Humor abounds from the darndest places

Here are just a few humorous comments I have collected over the last couple of weeks, do yourself a favor and tinkle before reading.... okay, I did warn you.

1. My son starts playing a matching game- "This is fascinating"
2. My son's observation that his Gran isn't moving to quickly- "Gran, are you having troubles?"
3. My son before we leave the house on an errand- "I turned off mommy's hair burner"
4. Polite conversation between me and my son, mommy as a topic come's up and I ask "who"? "That girl over there, my moms"
5. After our dog decides to nibble on my son's leg for fun- "I am not a bone I am a kid!!!"
6. I send an email on a product to some people, and a friend replies back "I don't see the hub bub". At which point I respond "are you holding the mirror down there?"
7. One of my employees describes a friend he was with and how drunk he was- "Man, he was pretty much "obliverated". I have not found any such word by Webster...
8. I had my lunch and was being chastised for not bringing an employee any. I said "I didn't think you liked Pot Roast". The employee responds "Who the f-ck doesn't like pot roast?!?!"

Not all are home runs, but I think I will be going to the playoffs...

Amusing things said while I was on vacation

These are little nuggets of humor said while I was out of the office and at home relaxing with my wife and son

Wife- If you can't sit there and wait for your Dad to get finished, you don't need any Chocolate.
Son- SILENCE!!!!

Wife (to me)- You're not fat. You can't help you like M&Ms. (thanks baby. wait a minute...)

Me- Hot Dogs are nasty meat son.
Son- No, they're delicious.

Son (after tackling him to tickle him)- have you lost your mind?

Son (after I opened one of his gifts)- Moms, Dad finished emptying the box. He's a good finder-digger.

Speaking of being on vacation, it was awesome thanks for asking. We had a kick ass birthday party for my son (he's 4 years old, acts like he's 24...), took my son and picked him up from school, went to the gym a lot, took my fair share of naps, went to BounceU on family night and pretty much put a whooping on myself, went driving to find a movie theater and never found it, and in general just relaxed and did nothing work related. I did make a mistake and check my inbox, 1685 emails in 4 days. 12 of them were spam... Needless to say, I am not going to be on the best of terms with Monday when it is time to go back to work.

Can't stay mad

My son is too smart by far. He was being something of a "pill" this evening, not listening, doing things he should not do and he knows he shouldn't, and various other pre-school behaviors. I ask him what is going on, why is he acting so wild. He hits me with the following:

"I am just so excited to be at home with you dad."

Game. Set. Match. No serve and volley, he served up an ace and I took a moment to watch it's beauty as it flew by, and no one was happier than me.

Planning a family vacation

My wife and I are starting the arduous process of planning a family vacation. And by family vacation, I mean something other than taking time off of work and staying at home (not that there is anything wrong with that). We are both leaning towards going to the beach (we live in NC, so a beach is always a 4 hour drive away) since we have not taken our son yet and we both love the beach. This family vacation would be in roughly April of next year (got to save money and all). I would like some feedback on the following topics:

1. To dog or not to dog- we have a 100+ pound Rottweiler (thank you tadpole) that we feel we should take because she is part of the family, but do we want to have her possibly suffer for 4+ hours in the car even though she would probably enjoy the beach as much as the rest of us? We have been told she's a water dog, so taking her to the beach is like taking me to Nestle's Toll House Morsel Manufacturing Plant and Chocohalics Crea-torium....
   
2. Rental property, or hotel- it seems as if there are more pet-friendly accommodations via rental property, and pricing is equivalent. However, never renting a beach condo before, not sure what things we should look or ask for, and what things we should be aware of. Should I look for nanny cams in all the AC vents, or just the ones where I plan to act like I am working out? Do I need to bring cleaning supplies, or should I just give fake information up front to avoid the fees?
   
3. Family as in extended, or family as in just the Chaos Crew- this is the tough one, mainly because how do you ask someone if they want to go on vacation with you? Does that create an awkward situation where they feel like they should go with you even if they would rather go to a bomb disposal class with real bombs?
4. How long should we go? I am thinking three days, enough to get sand in our underwear without being exhausted, but am I cutting it short and missing out on further relaxation just to get home in time to wash all that sand out of said undies?
5. OCD- seriously, I have it about certain things, one being my house getting broken into while I am away. Can I request to have my local police department swing by to make sure everything is okay? Does ADT have weekly rates? I hate to think I would not enjoy my vacation because I became obsessed that someone had broken into my house and was perusing my t-shirt collection (work thing, need to be here to understand).
6. Saving money- what are little short cuts to planning vacations that I may not realize that would help me maximize this first vacation with my wife and little man? Can I get by with having our dog pull our car down hills without running the engine to save gas (just kidding SPCA...)? Should I offer to grounds keep during the vacation (mow grass, trim hedges, etc)?
   

Realizing that I have tried to keep your interest with various injections of humor, my questions are quite serious. If you have any vacationing tips, I would love to read them.

Newest Tattoo

I had to wait four months, but I think it was worth it. Tattoo was done by Mark Evans of Mooresville, NC, at Anything's Possible Custom Tattoo. The guy was cool to hang out with and honestly was respected by all the other artists there for his skill with portraits. That he was as excited to do the tattoo as I was to have it done made things even better. I am looking forward to going back for more ink.

Hey, I posted again in under a month....

Silly I is, I know. I got some time on the computer (my wife wasn't blogging it up for a change), thought I would throw some more words into the Ethernet.

First and foremost, I received some topic suggestions from a reader. Now, not to still any thunder from supplementyourlife, but I feel I can weigh in on these items.

• Coconut Whipped Spread (think mayonnaise)- seriously tree hugger, do you think you are fooling anyone? Just because it is white, creamy, and in a Miracle Whip jar doesn't make it delicious for hamburgers, slaw, or potato salad. I know that the smell of tanning lotion coming from my BLT would disrupt the joy I might experience from the meal. And by looking at me, it's obvious I don't like tanning lotion (albino humor folks, stick with me).
• Chia- yes, that weed we have all come to love and respect for it's ability to grow anywhere including a bald guy's head also seems to be an excellent source of protein, fiber, and essential fatty acids. Seriously, how hungry would one have to be to look at that grass-like vegetation and say "Hmmm, I'm starving but I'm too lazy to drive to the store for sprouts, let me graze on that Christmas Gift." I've done it sure, but I am a closet fatty.
• Hemp food products- It wasn't enough that you have your own shirts, special cigarette papers, movie and music icons, the time of 4:20 (and the day to boot), as well as documented proof that it suppresses nausea, no you refer heads had to keep pushing it. You weren't happy surprising us brownie patrons with an unexpected trip to Wonderland (recipe reference, Alice be tokeless brownies), you now want everybody to fail a drug test by eating a large bowl of hemp flakes with hemp milk whilst wearing hemp drawls. How "green" of you, thanks but no thanks. I prefer to rest my boys in weevil free cotton shorts and eat regular foods. Plus, I never got into the whole Mary Jane phase of teen-dom, I wonder if I missed out?
• Spirulina- no, that wasn't a sneeze, that is the name of the next super food (soy apparently is not designed for human consumption on a daily level). Algae, that stuff you scrape out of Fido's water dish every other weekend, only more supery. I really have nothing to say here, other than if you cannot remove the delightful green of Ireland from the product before putting it in food, understand most people aren't going to receive it with open arms. I agree, dark chocolate is quite fantastic to eat. But, if I bite into a piece and there is green on the inside, I am liable to pitch a hissy fit of major proportions. Wrapping questionable inside a sheath of awesome still registers on the lower end of the happiness scale. Call me old fashioned, but when something is green unless it came out of a Del Monte can chances are it is a little long in the tooth and needs to be trashed, ground in the disposal, or sent to Glaxo Smith Kline for refinement into antibiotics. Hell, I don't like to shave my face much less my foods...

Thank you Turbo, I am hoping this leads to a few good snorts.

I just can't stop myself

From not posting. It is a tremendous effort on my part to even type this up right now. I honestly cannot pinpoint my issue, other than any items I wish to write down in a formal sense for others to read have nothing at all to do with this blog. I am equal parts tired and ambivalent. Is it time for me to hang up my IR hat? Is it time to focus on what I really want to write about and hope that once completed that I will have enough of a spark left to make any entry at all? Man, who knows. Some people find what I write here interesting or entertaining, but it has been awhile since I have felt like I really knocked any one's socks off. Updates are all well and good but they don't mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Essentially, I wrote this the relay the point that I know I am supposed to be writing more regularly, but I am having internal struggles as to what to write, if to write, why write, etc. Please forgive me.

This is a special guest post...

In all the world, DHazy, there is only one "you" - one unique person with your own special qualities...

May you always follow your heart
and trust your abilities, knowing that those who love and believe in you find so much joy in the fantastical person that is you.

Happy Birthday DHazy!!
xoxoxoxo BHazy

Hi Everyone... I hope your day is enjoyable and please wish DHazy a Happy Birthday along with KHazy, GHazy and I!

Until next time,
BHazy

Our tax dollars at work, may the gods smile on us

In my mysterious line of work for the company that shall remain nameless, I have had the wondiferous opportunity to interact with governmental employees. Federal ones. Bureaucracy is painful to imagine, but trying to interact with it at ground zero is worse than the torture of 1000 cuts. The particular agency I dealt with will remain as nameless as my employer, but I will leave clues. The F'n Dumb A$$ I dealt with was a true inspiration to proving that lack luster motivation and making zero waves will at least ensure a place to heat space daily. Our conversation proceeded like this.

I preface this conversation by stating that I had to call three people before I got this gym on the phone. I local agent, a regional agent and then the guy this person replaced. Awesome.

Me- "Yes, I am "such and such with such and such", and I am looking for information on a seizure of products notated as adulterated on your web page".

Dude- "Alright, what questions do you have?"

Me- "Well, we have some of those items in stock. The people you seized product from are people we bought product from. You seized their inventory, but they are telling me that the inventory I have is free and clear to sell. Can you give me some direction as to the nature of the seizure?"

Dude- "Well, all the information you will need is on the article. Let me pull it up and read it to you."

Me- "I don't need you to read it to me, I know the article. I am calling you asking you about additional information related to that article."

Dude- "Well, what is your question?"

Me- "Alright. Are the products illegal to sell?"

Dude- "One can certainly infer that from the article. If you read the part covering blah blah blah act, you can see that our reasons for implementing the seizure due to adulteration allow for us to exercise all legal recourse."

Me- "So, the products are illegal to sell."

Dude- "Sir, I did not say that. I cannot offer any legal advice. All I can say is that someone can infer the illegal nature of the product based on how the article is written."

Me- "Sooooo, you can't tell me the product is illegal, I am supposed to infer it based on an article that does not state the products are illegal to sell at all, has not banned the products, does not advise people to cease taking the products, and makes no indication as to why the products were seized? The people we bought product from say there is no issue and we can sell, and you refuse to say whether or not the items are indeed illegal. Do you see my dilemma?"

Dude- "Sir, if you read the article, you will see where it states why we seized the product. From that, anyone could infer..."

Me- "Seriously, I am needing more than your suggestion to infer information from an article that only states what your agency has done. Is the product illegal to sell, point blank?"

Dude- "I cannot give legal advice. But if you read our information on the blah blah blah act, you will see why we took the products. I hope this helps."

Me- "It really doesn't, but I understand the limitations you are working under. Can you tell me why the products were seized?"

Dude- "No sir, all I can say is that we took exception to what was in the product."

Me- "Is it that the product in the bottle wasn't on the label, or that the product on the label is in the bottle but is the main issue for your agency, or what?"

Dude- "No sir, that is proprietary information. All I can say is that the products were deemed in violation."

Me- "Was it the compounds inside, or was it adulteration of the compounds?"

Dude- "That is proprietary information as well."

Me- "So you can't tell me why the products were seized just in case someone else we do business with is using those compounds and we may need to stop selling those as well?"

Dude- "No sir, I cannot."

Me- "Okay, can you tell me if there are any other companies under investigation for adulterated products?"

Dude- "No sir, I cannot. I hope the information I have been able to provide has been helpful."

After some other round about questions to see if I could trick information out of this person, it comes to light that he has only been in the office for a week and has not had the chance to review the case. Meaning that the reason he wanted to read the article to me was because he needed to read it for the first time....

F'n Dumb A$$, I almost got a migraine talking to him for 15 minutes. 15 minutes on the job that I will get taxed on to ensure this moron has a job tomorrow to continue being unhelpful. Be sure to re-read that wiki article for the definition of 1000 cuts....

Hell no I ain't dead

But there have been moments when I felt that would be a more pleasant alternative.... Hey folks, I reckon some of y'all missed little ole me. Thanks, that's sweet. Sooooooooo, what have you ladies and gents been up to? Feel free to leave me a comment filling me in on your happenings. What, what about me? Funny you should ask..

1. My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage. add to that we were all over each other for 8 1/2 years before that, we have been around each other more than half our lives. In that time I have learned to put the seat down, squeeze toothpaste from the bottom, toilet paper dispenses over instead of under, and I have reprogrammed my body to handle bodily gasses a little bit more acceptable without exploding (burps instead of toots). Essentially, I seem more socially adjusted despite the fact I am a sociopath. However, my wife has been exposed to high levels of crazy and odd for a long time, there is no fixing that kind of damage. Sorry dudes, that ruint woman is all mine (listen for the ever so faint maniacal laugh).
   
2. Two major trade shows in 2 weeks. That equals one frustrated wife, one pissed off toddler, one worried dog, and a wore out body and mind. Well, I assume my mind is wore out. Rumor is I lost it awhile back, so I hope it's doing okay.
3. This coming June, I have another tattoo planned (right pec) so I need to drop some pudge. The artist says what I want done will take about four hours, so out of respect for my loved ones I plan to look mildly dieseled up for this. The next 12 weeks should be interesting....
   
4. I have managed to pass on the torch to a troublesome thorn in my side. I feel bad for the person who took over the responsibility of listening to the stupid excuses, constant crying, inconsequential stories about everything, meaningless plots for superiority, shifting of blame on everything and sad attempts to make friends who don't mind getting $hit on even though most humans get chapped about that. I feel bad for that guy, but not enough to take back that living bomb of stress and frustration. I do owe him some beers though.
5. I have an Affliction shirt. It is of an angel and not the typical designs of skulls, bones, or demons. Somewhat out of character for me but I must say I dig it. I won't lie, there is a good chance others will be brought into the fold. Thank you WifeyPoo!!!
6. My son is a pimp. Everywhere he has a girlfriend, or makes one. He even has a young lady on lock down at our favoritest restaurant Red Robin. His uncle used to like them older too, must be a family trait....
7. Back to point 3, I have two more tattoos in mind right now. I have another pic of my son I plan to do on my ribs, but I am having trouble designing a shoulder and half sleeve piece. I have a tentative idea about symbols representing his birth date as it is on the Chinese Zodiac (thanks Tadpole ole buddy) but I don't think that will take up all the skin I have cordoned off. So, open forum, looking for some ideas. And for you ladies and gents who don't have tattoos, I don't discriminate, feel free to chime in. If I dig it, even if I don't use your idea I will give you mad props.

That's the abridged version, the important thing is is that I was down but not out.

ps- I love you Mom, hope you enjoyed....

Update on me, I hope you enjoy

Sorry for the delays, it has been somewhat hectic for me lately. Not really an excuse, but I got called out via comment on my last post so for the sake of societal norms I need to shift or divert blame from myself. I hope it worked....

On to the update:

1. My grandfather passed away. That pretty much sucked. Still does.
2. My son seems to becoming more of a daddy's boy by the day. That's pretty awesome.
   
3. I have been a regular member of the Pain Cave (see last post). I would like to say I am done with traditional training for fitness. As my fitness mentor wrote, I thinks it's better to adopt the fitness goal of "being ready at any time for anything".
   
4. My wife has started getting her "Cave" on. I like it when she does hula hoop wiggles with her hips. That's fun to watch....
   
5. My mom has accused me of being into S&M. Between the cut on my nose, the bruises on my shoulders, the constant soreness in my ribs and abs, or the knee jerk reaction to hit the floor every time I here the word "drop", I prefer to think of it as a zest for life and all things "Caved". Seriously, it's good stuff.
6. My wife's dog attacks me every night when I come home. In a good way, but she is still a full grown horse-bear, and some of those bites do hurt. As yet we have not developed "safety words".
7. My brother's son is a psychic, seriously he is. Not the "Call me now for your free reading" kind of psychic, but the kind that helps police find missing children and tells you not to take the 5:45pm bus from downtown to west side because of Keanu Reeves needing to diffuse a bomb. A good psychic. FYI- congrats on the newest expectation there RHazy!!!
   
8. My other brother has secured a sponsorship with a bowling equipment supplier to go on tour and do demos and represent the brand. Not sure I am explaining or describing it right, but in my head it's similar to Michael Jordan getting a deal with Nike because he was good at basketball and he needed shoes. Only for bowling.
9. A guy where I worked came in wearing a sweater that was too small for my 3 year old son to wear. Snug to the point that even though he was warm, his "high beams" (i.e. skittles, nubbins, tuner knobs, nipples) were on prominent display. Being a sympathetic guy that you all have come to know and love, I innocently state the following: "I wasn't aware Under Armour made sweaters". I bet anybody any amount of money that that particular article of clothing is now smoldering in his fireplace. I was once helped with my fashion sense, and I have since "Paid it Forward".

See Ya!!!

I have been officially "Caved"

Ah, the beauty of unfeeling iron, the camaraderie of fellow masochists, & the evil genius of a fitness deviant, all combined to reduce one and all to pulverized meat. Not for the faint of heart or the faint of courage. Come on, you know you have been bad. And the bad must be punished...

http://paincavefitness.blogspot.com/

I love the holidays except for...

The total and unashamed commercialization of the season (which starts at 12:01am the day after Thanksgiving). No offense meant, but some commercials/advertisements during the holidays are asinine and ignorant. Examples are:

1. Give your loved one a brand new vehicle- I am sorry, but unless you are crazy rich, you aren't getting your loved one a new car. You are getting them a brand new car payment for the next 5-6 years. Way to go dumb ass, nothing says love like monthly payments on a piece of property that loses value the moment it rolls off the lot and isn't really yours for 60 months. Awww, you shouldn't have. You really, really shouldn't have.
2. Jewelry as a gift while children brutalize holiday rhymes to hint at the special moment just around the corner- Just give the necklace/ear rings/bracelet/ diamond a be a man about it. Don't Skatell her about it, and don't turn the gifting process into a round table prop session for Jared, and for heaven's sake don't hum the jingles (Every Kiss Begins with Kay) as she opens it. Really, you jewelry people need to show some sophistication (your current methods are tired). Don't blow your wad during December either, Valentine's is right around the corner...
3. Hey little girl, wanna be a real woman and learn to cook, clean, take care of a baby, etc., etc. etc???- Seriously, I thought the femi-nazis would have put a stop to the Easy bake Oven and its evolutionary offspring. How many more girls have to be diagnosed with a eating disorder before Barbie fades away? Umm, a baby doll that poops? You just crossed the line on that one. My son got a cook out grill one year, that's just funny as hell if you ask me.
4. Fast Food Restaurant Gift Certificates- Hey, I care enough about you to encourage you to go to places that are considered by some the reason America is the fattest land in the world and put your health in jeopardy. I mean, 'tis the season for diabetes and heart conditions. You are someone I care about, don't be mad I am rushing you to the grave.
   
5. End of year car-sales-athons- Man, I wish someone would come up with a new way to pique my interest other than scare me into running down to the local dealership because time is running out. Really, running out? So if I show up the week after with a wheelbarrow full of cash, you won't let me crack you down like a shotgun and get a sweetheart deal? I think you might....

I reject your attempts to influence my buying decisions. Now, if you will excuse me, my wifey poo needs to plug in her new iPod....