Nothing really new to talk about

I mean it. There is absolutely nothing new. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Absotively posilutely nothing. I apologize, I just don't have anything exciting or funny to discuss. Not that funny things or exciting things don't happen to me, but I seem way too tired to really describe them and make them alive through this forum. In fact, typing this is more than I thought I was capable of. Bear with me, I may need to freshen this up and take it in a different direction.

Chucklers

Funny comments from the last week or so:

1. "Oh, you turned this on me like that huh? This conversation got cock-eyed and crooked real quick."
2. "It's not supposed to be cute, you're supposed to be scared of it"
3. "Boy, calm down or I am going to sell you on eBay"
4. "If you don't get it together, I am going to spank so much of your fanny I will have to borrow butt to get it all out of my system"
5. "Now listen, I said you were 'Smirktastic" not 'Smurftastic', I wasn't sneaking a short joke in on you"
6. "Is that a belly shirt?" (this one, you had to be there)

that is all.

If you are older than 25 years of age, read this

This is free advice, so it is worth nothing but the time it takes you to read this.

Take a long, leisurely walk with a child. Walk around your neighborhood, walk around a park, or around a mall, but take a walk. If you don't have your own children, borrow a niece or nephew.

If you want to get your jaded eyes readjusted to what life is supposed to be about, this simple and fun activity is a must. No distractions like tv or radio, nothing but time to spend with them and conversations you can have. I managed to do this with my son on my vacation, several days just me and him and the open road (walking or driving). Ranks as some of the best times of my life to date, all because I had time/took the time to just let my son talk to me.

Thanks Little Man, I would like to think that the times we spent meant as much or more to me than they possibly did to you. And that's cool, 'cuz an old man needs new perspectives on everything all the time.

Please, you gotta keep this to yourself

I'm on vacation. Not sure how I arranged it. It's much needed as far as I am concerned, for me and my wife. I think my son has been a bit of a terror as his Daddy-ometer was reading on empty or something. So, I am hoping my being home will be a calming and relaxing influence in the house. Except for the rottie, for some reason I seem to look like I am ready to wrestle all the time to her. She's a gnawer, and I have bite size limbs....

In regards to my darling wife's comments on my weight- ouch. Now I need to start researching the Olsen Twin diet, I think it may help me.

And then there were three....

As promised, I owe you all three more funny comments made to me, and I pay on my debts. I feel two of these are worth their weight in gold...

1. Never Mind- for some reason, this is the new "no" for my son. "Do you want $1 Million Dollars?" "Never Mind"; "Hey, she thinks you are cute, say hello", "Never Mind".... Ridiculous really
2. Don't eat too much Dad- yeah, he said it to me, plain as day. I'm about to snuggle up to a bowl of my wife's spaghetti and some garlic bread, and here comes Trouble telling me not to eat too much. Sure, I was a little discombobulated during the actual event, but I think this "intervention" mindset may come in handy for me. I just have to time it right in consideration of birthdays, national holidays, and spaghetti night...
   
3. Grip with your butt cheeks dad!!!- Okay, this needs some back story. I have made a habit of saying something like this to my son when we are in the car and either my wife or I make a sudden, aggressive, race car type of move. The reason? Well, my son is strapped into a car seat with five-point restraints and he has no real access to an "Oh Hell NO!!!" handle (some people also refer to it as an Oh $hit handle). So, since he has no way to grab onto something and hang on in the traditional sense, I have suggested an alternate way to secure his load- Grip with your butt cheeks son!!! See, it kinda makes sense...

There's my ten, and it didn't take 2-3 weeks to pay in full....

Maybe I should wait until January 1st

I say that only because I have apologized for my posting delays and promised to do better no less that one million times this year. Most of those in the last six months. So, instead of the usual "my bad" blog starts, I will just go ahead and say I will keep my mouth hushy hushy until January. Maybe I can tie that in to "I will stop waiting until everyone goes to sleep to crush food" and "I will get to cracking on that project I have been mentally mulling over for six months" resolutions...

Why the delays you ask. Not yanking your chain, after staring at a computer screen for 11 hours a day, it's hard to work up the gumption to do it when I get home. Plus, I think that my aggravations would escape the confines I have built and it wouldn't be a pretty picture they would paint.

I am posting tonight as I received a personal request from a loyal reader who is not my main rump squeeze. Soooo, since I was asked nicely, and I am a nice guy (I think so anyway), I thought I would throw something done and let it roll. Here it is, my top ten list of things I have found funny lately:

1. My son using the word "fantastic". Straight faced, he told me one of his puzzles was fantastic. This along with ginormous, he will be dropping multi syllable words like "mayonnaise" all up in school. BOOOOOO YA!!!!!
2. My son saying BOOOOOO YA!!!. Hey, I insist on balance in all things. I teach my son a fairly advance word for a three year old to comprehend (point 1 of this post), I offset that by teaching him about a sports bar grunt which can be used in a wide host of situations. Total coolness, BOOOOOO YA!!! to the inth degree.
3. I accused my wife's dog of having a reefer problem. I accused the dog of liking The Grateful Dead, I expected to see her wearing a tie dye shirt, I commented that I was sure dogs don't get glaucoma, & no I won't drive her to Pet Smart to satisfy her munchies, etc. I thought it was funny.
4. My new name for the dog. My mom once told me that when you register a pure breed pet with the American Kennel Society of some such organization, you have to register them using a high brow or "fancy" name. For instance, my mom had a lovely Cocker Spaniel named Pudding. On her papers she was known as Muffies Pudding Spice. So, in an effort to give my wife's dog the honor and recognition she deserves, I applies my vast creativity to work. With no small amount of pride, I present to you, Gracella Rufusina. Beautiful.
5. Hearing my son say Rufusina. Hilarious. Even my wife had to laugh. Rufusina, I kill me sometimes.
6. Listening to one of my co-workers explain to Tadpole that he refuses to drop twosies at a public restroom. Many people have that issue, including me. What was funny was I knew the back story. Not mine to tell, but I will give a hint. It involved a faulty look on a stall door. "Nuff said.
7. My son likes my car. Not funny like belly laugh ha ha, but amusing. My son likes my 1992 Honda with faded paint and no radio or AC. Loves it actually, says it's his favorite car. Loves it because he can ride up front (no passenger side airbag) and see everything like a big boy. I guess I'm keeping Betsy for a while longer.

Well, not quite 10, but it is late. Maybe the other three will come to me, and I can create another post to finish my list...

Well, I guess appearances still mean something

The only reason I say that is due to some comments I have received while at work with regards to my new haircut. My son has been wanting me to sport a "Hot Shot Hairdo", and I had to wait until I could get back from my last business trip of the year to do it. I do the damn thang, and next thing I know I am getting lip over what and why and how come. Come on people, hair don't change a thing, I'm still the same guy on the inside, and that guy is messed up funny. Seriously though, it's just hair, don't be mad I can still grow it like I have Chia Pet DNA running through my veins. And I know it's jealousy for some of you.

To the guy who thinks it is odd I do whatever my son asks of me, I got only one thing to say- don't worry about it. My interaction with my son is my business, and trust me I have no guilt over how I treat or interact with my son. Your words, "saying no gives you power over people", are philosophically retarded. The correct vision is "saying no gives you power over people, unless they stop asking you". If they know the answer will always be "no", then they will fall back to the backup philosophy, and that is "it is better to ask forgiveness than permission". Mad, just a little bit. Knowing how my son is physically, mentally, emotionally, and intelligence-wise, you start judging what I have done and still do and I will get hostile in a major way. Based on my scoring system, I am batting better than 1000% by what I have done for my son (and my wife has done as much or more), and it does not get better than that. When I turn him loose to do his own thing, the boulder I throw into humanity's pond will create ripples your pebble existence cannot match. Rant over.

To everyone else, there were two sides, the "man that's pretty awesome" side and the "what bet did you lose" side. To the "awesome" crew, thank you for your support and understanding. If you aren't adult enough to act like a child for your child once in awhile, why have children. I've remembered how to have fun again in simple things like running wild through a mall full of people and going to a child's playground and hopping on all the same rides even though you might outweigh all other "children" by 200+ pounds. Sometimes, your child is a higher authority than society, but that might be the inner sociopath talking again...

Reminder- No one has died of embarrassment, especially if they never feel embarrassed.

I could not come up with a title for this post

So my Mom hit me square between the eyes with my lack of posts. I think her exact words were "So have you updated your blog any, last thing I read was that bullsh-t you wrote about Las Vegas", or something like that. I may be paraphrasing.....

So, first things first- I have a "Hot Shot Hairdo", otherwise known as a Mohawk. My son looks like a delightful little gremlin with a flare for rock and roll. I look like a Marine home on leave/R&R. I think it will get nicer once it grows out a bit. And I gel it up. Maybe add some goth or punk colors. We'll see.

I happen to be at a local ranch/farm/petting zoo/animal refuge with my brother and his family, my Mom (mean woman I reference at the top of the page) & my wife and son, and we happen to be waiting for a wagon ride to go around the 2300 acre "establishment". My son at this point has been in pretty rare form since catching site of his cousin/co-conspirator and had pretty much flushed listening to me right down the toilet (pun intended, be patient). I was around, so his mom had decided to step back and watch my aneurysm unfold. Sweet woman, really she is.

My precious little Stinky Boy had finally gotten on my last nerve, so we needed to walk away from my family in case I needed to throttle him. This way I would be assured of at least 10 seconds before he got help.

I remind all of you, we are at a place where animals pretty much run free. To do their own thing. Like poop wherever the need hits them. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Considering the amount of poop, I thought the grass would have been greener, go figure. I digress, the reason I emphasize the vast quantity of "da deuce" is that if the proprietors didn't wish to organize the defecation events for the animals, they would obviously not be terribly concerned about the cleanliness and functionality of the human facilities. I assumed this, but even my negative view of humanity pales with what I was faced with...

Back to the story. I have sequestered my son from those members of my family that would seek to protect him from a manual correction of his aberrant behavior by my meat hooks. We are away from everyone, so there are no witnesses that can be called on to confirm this story, you will need to just believe me when I tell you this conversation actually happened.

Son- "I don't want to be in timeout", then he throws some mulch.
Me- "Well, you start to listen, we can talk about it. Stop messing with the mulch"
Son- "What is Mommy doing?", then he throws some mulch.
Me- "Looks like she is laughing at me. Stop playing in the mulch. I am not kidding, if I have to talk to you one more time...."
Son- "I'll wisten Daddy. Can we stop being in time out?", then he throws more mulch (I am not kidding).
Me- "Seriously, you can get out of time out when you learn how to listen. Please, stop throwing mulch, I am getting angry."
Son- "I will wisten Daddy, I'm a good boy", then he throws more mulch.....
Me- "Dude, I am going to start spanking you if you don't get it together. No stop f'ing (no cuss words, just eff-ing said aggressively) around. I am tired of talking to you about this".
Son- "Okay Daddy, I will wisten. Can I get out of time out now?"
Me- "No sir"
Son- "Dad?"
Me- "Yes Sir?"
Son- "I need to poop"
Me- "Huh?"
Son- "I need to poop Dad"
Me- "Seriously?"
Son- "Yes, I need to poop"
Me- "You REALLY need to poop?"
Son- "Yes sir, I need to poop"
Me- "Are you messing with me? You have to poop?"
Son- "yes, I need to poop"
Me- "Well, we are about to go on a wagon ride, are you sure you can't hold it?"
Son- "No Dad, I need to poop right now"
Me- "You're killing me here"

We walk over to his mom, I give her my bottles of water, I tell her that her son needs to poop and to enjoy the wagon ride. Let's resume the conversation....

Me- "We're going to miss the wagon ride, I really hope you have to poop"
Son- "I do Dad"
Me- "You NEED to poop" (there is a reason for asking this question 100 different times)
Son- "I need to poop"
Me- "Alright, let's go find a potty"

I walk by a couple who think my son's hairdo (Hot Shot Hairdo) is cute.
Me- "Smiling huh? I will sell him to you for $5 right now."
They did not take me up on my offer.

We walk to two Porta-Nasty's near the wagons. The first look like someone rode a crap tsunami off the seat and out the door. Short of pooping into your hand and finger/hand painting with it, I cannot comprehend how feces gets to where it got without the "artist" being dimwitted, mean, on drugs, or all three. I believe I start cussing at this point. Please forgive me religious field trip group...

My son and I check the next one, and at the least there is no visible poop. I am still pretty sure this is a false alarm, so back to the dialog.

Me- "You sure you need to poop?"
Son- "yes"

I thing begin the task of creating a toilet paper "halo" for my precious son's bottom so he doesn't actually have to touch skin to seat like the savages before him. I do this while kung fu slapping his hands to keep him from touching any surface of the breeding ground for disease that was this "clean" john. The "Halo" is made and in place, trousers dropped, cheeks are in place, let's pick back up.

Me- "Alright son, let's do this"
Son- "I....can't....do it"
Me- "What?"
Son- "I can't poop"
Me- "Are you f'ing on me boy?"
Son- "I don't need to poop Dad"
Me- "I think my brain just cramped up"

Then we go through the walk of shame out of the Porta-Nasty and back to our family. I am so shook up by the events, I don't go into much detail beyond telling my wife "He didn't need to poop after all".

My son plays the poop card when things aren't going his way, thinking that a trip for twosies will erase his parents' memories on what happened prior to the trip, and he can go back to doing what he wants. Not gonna lie, it worked this time.

Hey, it wouldn't be Vegas without midgets

Sorry for the lack of effort, I just didn't have the time or inclination to update. Not that I didn't care to bring everyone up to speed, but sometimes I need to vegetate in my own head without selling tour tickets and shining a flashlight into my personal universe. Trust me, it isn't all Corona's and nachos in here....

So, what oh what have I been up to. Well, I just got back from a trip to Vegas (all business), I don't plan to do anymore business trips for about 6 months (unless something unexpected pops up), I have all but revoked my charter membership as a fan for my local NFL team, I plan to Mohawk my hair per my son's request (he has walked that path before me, I am just joining the club), I am currently on a Subway kick (in it for sandwiches and cookies), and I am Kryptonite to Rufus (her dog-fu is no match for my athleticism, I spank that Rott butt at fetch all the time). I spoil my son shamelessly (proof came when I went to FAO Schwartz at Ceasars Palace and every Thomas Train represented there already has a parking spot at my house with physical train present and accounted for), oh and he whooped my wife's hind quarters because I was out of town.

Kinda like what I do to Rufus when we play fetch, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ring Ring Ring
answering machine- "Please leave a message at the tone. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep."

Dhazy- "Hey Gracie Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl, you're welcome!!!"

Gracie "He calls me Rufus" Girl- "snore"

Yeah, I know. I am making a habit of delayed updates...

Seriously though, it's not on purpose. I mean with my job, my family, and my burgeoning career as a male stripper, time is in short supply. Seriously, you ladies should be ashamed of yourselves.... Anywho, I apologize for the delay. Now, on to the relevant material.

It was an action packed weekend of frivolity, rambunctiousness, and squealing. My son had some fun too. First off, on Saturday, I took my son to a local movie theater for some Thomas the Train amusement. The theater was playing some never before seen episodes of Thomas, along with introducing some new trains (Silly Billy and Whiff). Being in possession of a stunning intellect, I thought that my son and I would simply roll up to the ticket counter, buy two admissions, and roll right in and watch the show. WRONG!!!! Apparently, the population base of my home town was large enough that a percentage of parents with boys (and girls) that like Thomas far exceeded the seating available in two theaters. If I had actually used my supposedly stunning intellect, I would have known to buy tickets way in advance. I will know better next time. Anyway, we get to the ticket counter, I ask for two tickets, and the semi polite and semi conscious ticket dispenser tells me they are sold out. At this time, my son still doesn't know why we are there and actually tells me he hopes Bumblebee (Transformer movie) is still on. I receive the bad news of no tickets with the grace and poise my family and friends come to know and love... I proceed to publicly chastise myself for waiting until the last minute. Loudly. Thankfully, the tone, pitch, and volume of my distress caught the attention of a guy who had two extra tickets he would sell me at face value. Rock on dude, us Thomas dads have to stick together. I buy the tickets, I thank the guy profusely for selling them, I buy popcorn and water, and my son and I watch Thomas "toot toot" it up on the Island of Sodor. Good times with my little man.

Then we go to the mall just to walk around and check things out. I take him by the Disney store, and somehow make it out without buying anything. Then we go to KB Toys. Wasn't quite as persuasive on not buying something. KB Toys had some Thomas characters. One of which my darling little cherub had to have. Teeny Tiny Toby. He had a big Toby, but he NEEEEEEEDED a Teeny Tiny Toby. I'm sorry, call me soft, a pushover, or an unashamed spoiler of children, but hearing my Hot Shot (GiGi name) telling me he NEEEEEEEEDED a Teeny Tiny Toby, well I had to buy it. I understand the need for Teeny Tiny Toby's. Go ahead, say it out loud. Teeny. Tiny. Toby. It's fun.

Whilst at the mall, we go to the book store. This book store sells Thomas the Train Books. Guess what I bought. No, it wasn't the newest issue of Glute Shakers Weekly (see first paragraph...), no I bought some Thomas Books. Hey, it was a Thomas day.

After this, I go hang with my best friend. We go and grab a bite to eat at a local hamburger joint, check out the ladies with the tattoos, and eat fried pickle chips. No idea who was so stoned as to come up with taking sliced pickles, slap some breading on each side, drop them in boiling fat, and serve them up with ranch dressing, but that little reefer head may be a genius. I just hope that something it that side dish isn't looking to kill me....

Sunday was a big day. HUGE day. Let's be honest, it was a GINORMOUS day (look it up, Websters just made it a real word). My son's long awaited, intricately planned, and well organized bonanza of calendar tracking has finally arrived. His three year old birthday party day was finally here, and after four months (that's right, four) of being told how and what he wanted, it was time to do the dang thang. I love my wife, I really do. But at noon she was tapped out useless in regards to the party. The party was to start at 2:30pm. I mean no offense, but in the midst of preparations I saw her stack ten pounds of baby wipes and make a call to her mom to bring more. High noon, she was done. I was told to load the car. At 11:59am. Party starts at 2:30pm. High noon, she's done. We get in the car at 1:15pm. It takes 30 minutes to get to the park. Still done. Between you, me, and the Internet, I offered to run into a convenience store and get her a few beers to settle her nerves. A few meaning a six pack of tall boys (the ole deuce deuce 22 ouncers). Trust me, she needed it. So, we get there, we set up, people start drifting in, the festivities start, there was cake, ice cream, thirty minutes of opening presents (and I mean thirty minutes), some squealing, some jokes (I am a funny dude), a song or three (my rendition of Old Moon River will make you cry), and when the dust settled, my son told my wife it was the best birthday party he ever had. Hey, that's all we wanted. Mission accomplished, mark the page in the record books, and look forward to the next one.

I would like to take a moment to address MTV and the show Sweet 16. If you think that your collection of hormonal, uptight, spoiled rotten, bossy glitter tramps are dangerous when they don't get your way, I will say your probably right. I think that at the end of the day, the friends and family members that took time out of their lives to yell and scream the Happy Birthday song at my son was all he really wanted. I called each of you (excluding my mom, who had to give me a lift home as the boy received so many gifts I could not ride in the car) afterwards to thank you for coming, and I will say it again here- Thank you very much for hanging with my little man as he turned three. We all had a blast, and it was because each of you were there.

Forbid that I might be tired

My dear sweet loving wife has been on me hot and heavy for the last 3 days to update. I assume that with the extended weekend due to the holiday, she feels that I should have plenty to discuss and more than adequate time to cover all pertinent topics. I believe that when ancient writers referred to their Muse as inspiration, it must have been somewhat glamorized that said Muse might actually be a short and feisty woman who likes to write notes, drop subtle hints, verbally explain that the computer is on and she is working on something non-computer related, or flat out slap said writer on the butt and bark commands to get to it. Regardless of the actual purpose of the Muse, I am inspired....

• Went to Red Robin. Ordered a Caesar salad, dressing on the side. Caesar apparently likes to stab back, I came down with a touch of food poisoning. Thankfully, the grease from the fries and the burger helped blunt the effects, I was back to normal by lunch on Saturday.
• Walked the wheels off my son at two different malls on two different days. Exhausted, wore out, burned up, he took a nap both days. Unfortunately, to get him to that point, I also had to deal with exhaustion. His recovery is faster than mine. That'll teach me.
• My wife's dog does seem to like me. I say that as in her enthusiasm to show me how much she missed me today, she basically bit my hand and gave me carpal tunnel syndrome. You laugh, but parts of my arm is still numb... I am typing this post using just my left hand and the big toe on my right foot. All for you and my little Muse.
  
• My Rufus was subjugated to a harrowing ordeal of dog slobber and teeth. And I just found out it was never supposed to be my Rufus...
• I think I have regained 75% utility in my mangled hand. I wonder if my HMO covers rehab as therapy to a family pet mauling?
• I scooped poop at a middle school, thanks to GHazy's need to mark territory. Apparently it was a big deal, I think there is a movie on YouTube about it. Check it out...

I think that hits the high spots, anything more and I will not have anything left to discuss a week from now (hahahahahahaha!!!!!).

Before my wife gets rowdy

I will go go ahead and revert to my "Blog-inator" persona (my wife's nickname, not mine) and leave a post. Usual topics will be covered, I will spice them up with unusual visuals to make it entertaining....

• Friday night- I get home from work, and I am told that we need to go to a restaurant for French fries. That would be my son. $16 later in margaritas (2 of them), my wife seemed to enjoy her meal too. I would like to take a moment to ask the distillers of Jose Cuervo exactly what they think they are bottling that would cause two normal size drinks to cost $8 a piece. It wasn't like I was in a nightclub in New York. Next time, I think I should order my wife her drinks.
• Saturday- I got the wheels beat clean off of me. We had a birthday party at Monkey Joe's. The b-day celebrator would be a friend of my son's (often referred to as his future wife). The party consisted of roughly seventy-five minutes of me chasing my son around the place. Visual moment- here's what it looked like for the other four hundred people there: he was Speedy Gonzales, I was the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. Anyway, as he is deeply entrenched in us being the Dynamic Duo, I was required to climb and slide on all the rides. I would like to ask Monkey Joe's why they love Armor All so much. I understand that the slide portion being slicked up does make it more fun for the children, but I would like to illustrate an issue. 240lb man + 20 foot of slide at forty-five degree angle + Armor All = a 240lb man-missile launching off a ride, breaking the sound barrier just before hitting a crowd of soccer moms huddled together playing the game "One Up". Hey, if you can afford the insurance, keep spraying.
• After Monkey Joe's, we head out to my wife's uncle's house to go swimming. First time taking my son to a pool I can actually fit in, so it was good times. Taught my son to jump into the pool (actual cannonball technique to come later). Had a cookout, hung out with family, we had a blast.
• Sunday- Dude's day cut mildly short as my wife wanted to take Ruf... I mean GHazy to see my Mom. My Mom has a cat, and Ruf... I mean GHazy wanted to test her for deliciousness. Moms wasn't having it. Then we all piled in the ride to head north of here to visit with Restaurant Jedi and his crew. Moms brought her new beau. I mention that as it is important for this part of the story...
• Interview with Mike- my Mom was mildly suspicious that I had not mentally tortured her sweetie with probing and infinitely embarrassing questions that only a child as warped as myself could ask. In fact, I was down right cool and charming. Also known as Good Cop. Enter Restaurant Jedi. Everything my Mom thought I would ask and some she had not expected were asked by my brother. In a public setting (Ruby Tuesday's). An hour from departing origin. Mike drove my mom there as a truly chivalrous man. In other words, hello Bad Cop. Mom's new dude handled it all in a calm and relaxed manner. After two 12oz Mohitos, so did Moms...
• Side note- my son and his cousin are potentially the most energetic tandem every found outside of nuclear fusion. Their ability to interact for extended periods of time and only get more happy & enthusiastic to be around one another is not only heartwarming and touching, but it is possibly the most frightening thing I have ever witnessed. Their personalities are such that Dennis the Menace, Tom Sawyer, and Vince Vaughn would all raise a public outcry as to the dangers of their "hanging out". Ever see the pic of two boys who found an open paint can, an unsupervised living room with wide screen tv, and fifteen minutes of free time? Like that, only more "unpredictable". Chips off the old blocks wouldn't you say Moms???
  

I'm toast, see ya.

Rest in Peace Johnny

My best friend's dad died this past weekend. I would like to post his picture as a way to honor his memory. Not many who read this will know of him, and for that I am sorry. He was a good guy. He will be missed.

My wife is a harsh task master

My wife has gone from hinting to telling me to register another post (seriously, she gets a 110lb bodyguard with a decent set of canines, all of a sudden she thinks she runs the joint). So, here, I'm doing just that dagnabbit. Sure I have stuff to say, but I don't write as well when I HAVE to do it. So, if any of you aren't amused or entertained, it is because I wrote under duress, and that don't make for quality writing.

• BHazy- that post on the Rott was funny, you did good. Bullet point 3 in my favorite, you seriously did real good. For those that read her post, I really do talk a lot of $hit, all in good fun though. Thankfully for me, I shoot so much her way she can't remember it all.
  
• Mom/GiGi- thanks for clearing your "busy social calendar" (i.e. Mike) to make time for me and mine to come by and see you. Yeah, I'm not jealous that he is getting some home cooking. Not much anyway..... Seems like a nice guy, not sure why you hid him from me for so long.
  
• Poop- congrats to you, Wes, and that adorable little bundle of joy bungee jumping on your uterus on the new home. May you have many wonderful years there, all kidding aside.
• Candi- Hey, I like this more attentive attitude you have displayed to this here blog. I hate that I had to talk sharp to you, but sometimes a man has to get a little disciplinarian-esque with folks. You responded well, I doubt I will have to address this lapse of yours again. By the way, nice comment on "I was just kidding ya'll" post, I wasn't expecting that. Oh, and yes, I am extremely shy. Hard to believe, but very true.
• Gracie aka Rufus- you know what's up, don't act like you don't. I got my eye on you Rufus. We was okay until Mr Tiger Bear bought the farm. That was just beat up what you did. Yeah, BHazy read this while I was writing, and now they are plotting to get me in my sleep.
  
• KHazy- had fun on Sunday little man, and we managed to not get thrown out of any stores so that's a plus. I look forward to the next "Dudes' Day" outing, I have it all planned out down to the french fries. For those that are saying "Dude's Day" sounds a lot like "Dooms Day", that's merely a coincidence. Sort of.

Booh ya, I nailed it again. Happy reading folks.

Additional displays of my influence...

Well, I made it back from TX in one piece, physically anyway. I don't wish to discuss my mental/emotional scars, new ones mind you, that I picked up. At least not until I see how much therapy my HMO covers.... Let's just say I was put into a very uncomfortable situation in a public forum, which is the last thing a person as shy as me wants to fall into. I will be okay, one day, I hope.

Anyway, as the title suggests, I wish to highlight some amusing displays of my influence on my son KHazy. These are things I have inadvertently taught him to say. This stuff is funny to me, laugh if you want to.

• Sunday night, back in town, I feel like grabbing a bite at a local Mexican restaurant with my wife and son. I am drinking unsweetened tea as I need a little caffeine boost and I wanted to drink something other than water. I have been trying to get KHazy to try unsweetened tea, he hasn't been willing. Until this time. I finally tricked/encourage/coerced him into trying. His words, not mine; "Hey, that's not bad. That's not bad at all." No sir, it ain't.
• Leaving the restaurant, walk out to the parking lot, notice a car parked kinda close. It was so close as to make it difficult for me to get my son in his car seat. I get a little testy about the contortions I have to put myself in to squeeze my frame into the rear car door, put my son into his set, fasten him, and then wiggle back out. So, as I squeeze into my seat to drive home, I tell my wife and son how I'm so mad I should pee on the offending car as a sign of my frustrations. Not very mature I know, but since I failed to get on with Cirque du Soleil I have been angry with doing back bends without getting paid. Anyway, my son had to address my obvious lack of bathroom AND public etiquette, as he commences to hit me with the following chastising: "You don't peepee on cars Daddy, you peepee in the toiwet. You peepee in the toiwet like a big boy. You use the potty like a big boy. You deuce on the toiwet too. Don't deuce on the car Daddy, you go deuce in toiwet. Don't deuce on the car Daddy, that's not vewy nice." My bad son, I lost my head there for a minute.
  
• "Where's mommy son?" "She's in the bathroom deucing." I didn't want specifics, just a general location. I got the satellite imaging answer plus some...
• "You got whiskers daddy, you need to shave them." Who are you, my mom....
• "I need to shower Daddy, I am hot and sweaty!" You do smell tired, let's do this.

That's enough for now, I don't wish to give all the goods away in one shot. If I did that, I don't think you (loyal readers) would respect me in the morning...

Hey, Tadpole, good looking out!!!

Thanks man, that was a gesture few would have had the courage to make were they suddenly found in your place. My wife sincerely appreciates what you have done, and is still quite emotional about it. Tears of joy though sir, she is very happy.

I don't know what else to say, other than to promise you we will always take care of her.

Welcome to the family GHazy!!!!

welcome to creepy town

Creepy with a capital 'uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhh".

Funny tag for picture- "See what happens when you don't SEE things Bhazy's way".

Get it, SEE, and the bear, it ain't got no eyes.

Ummm, I was just kidding ya'll

I think in my effort to delivery a message and entertain, I may have lost some readers. I would like to explain my last few posts.

• "Thanks", Well Sometimes It's Just Inappropriate- Due to the reduced number of comments/replies, I admit I may have been giving too much information at once. My deciding on a "topic" and giving numerous examples of when using thanks and tying them into that topic may have been a hair too much. It's like a magician who has a lovely assistant who just so happens to have a "wardrobe malfunction" during the spectacular "pull a rabbit out of a hat" bit, the crowd pretty much zeros in on the "surprise" surprise, and not so much the rabbits. I would like to apologize for that. The story line wasn't the important part, what was is that "thanks" doesn't always mean "thanks". Sometimes it pretty much means "F-ck You". Somehow I think I lost a few more of you just then...
• Beware the Wiles of Women!!!- Honestly, this was just me picking on my wife a bit more. I seriously have no issues with the blanket, the computer, the high school memorabilia, or the iPod. Especially the iPod. I know BHazy is sentimental. I mean she's kept my decrepit a$$ around long enough, if she didn't like things old and worn out, I reckon I wouldn't be here. If she wants to keep that paperweight just because ole WP gave it as a gift, well I will help give her some paper to hold down. I do miss the blanket though.
• Candi- I apologize for spelling your name like the delicious treat that M&Ms happens to be classified under (Candy). In no way was I suggesting you are delicious and sinful like candy (if you are well then congrats to you), and it wasn't one of those Freudian slip things (saying the wrong name at the wrong time). I just forgot how you spelled your name since it has been SOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOONG since you left a reply/comment. In a way, it's kinda your fault if you follow my stunning leap in logic. Shame on you Candi, you must do better.
• Jimmy- sorry about the whole "only one thing worth going to Texas for" entry, I didn't mean it. Of course it will be good to see you and hang out, tell "My son/daughter is doing this now" stories, and pick on co-workers. I meant no harm. I mean, how could I hate on the guy who helped me decide on my alias for this blog-tasticness? The answer is I can't, it just wouldn't be right.
• Poop- yeah that whole diet advice (see comments) thing blew up on me a little bit. I broke the cardinal rule among men (a true Man law)- you don't offer any woman who is trying to lose weight advice on that endeavor unless she specifically asks you. I got a case of big britches, and I'm sorry. Congrats to you and your husband on the impending child, if it's a boy you gotta trim the tip. I'm just saying.
  

I think that covers all necessary apology quotas for the week, thank you all for your understanding. I do leave for TX on Thursday (to hang with my main man Jimmy), and I will be back on Sunday. Try to keep it together until then....

So, I'm not totally worhtless I reckon

I am worth $1,794,200 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Beware the wiles of women!!!

As I stated in an earlier post, here is my highly anticipated (by BHazy) accounting of all things I have somehow lost possession or ownership of due to her masterful manipulation of my emotions, feelings, and masculine pride. Herein will lie the accumulation of material wealth that has transferred hands without hardly any struggle. Not all takeovers are hostile, despite what Hollywood would tell us. The list is long, best get a beverage....

• High School ring- we were high school sweethearts, and I believe that was (maybe still is) considered a sure sign of commitment amongst the teens. My hands are somewhat large, and I was forced to wear hers on a chain around my neck. Which explains a lot now that I think about it....
• Letterman jacket- Yeah, I was a lettered athlete, for whatever that's worth. Soccer, 4 years, the only thing I miss from high school was playing soccer. Anyway, I have never been big on jackets, so my wife got that too. Well, she wasn't my wife back then, but we was going steady. No, sock hops weren't popular when I was in school, I am not that old...
  
• comforter- my mom bought me and my brother each a comforter (something about us fighting for ownership of everything, who knows). Anywho, my comforter was indeed a nice comforter. Soft, warm, and big like me. It was enough to keep me warm regardless of temperature outside or inside. I had that comforter for years. One day, my wife was cold, so as a gentleman I said "Here you go my little honey sweetums". Next thing I know, I'm out one comforter... I guess "here you go" meant "it is now yours". I didn't get the memo prior to the exchange.
• computer- I bought a computer to play video games, plain and simple. It wasn't much, but I had made modifications prior to my son being born that made it pretty decent all things considered. When I first bought the computer (bought meaning making payments to Gateway back when they had stores), my newlywed wife wasn't happy, but who would be, newly married and I had gone and gotten us into debt without discussing with her. I have learned my lesson since then. I digress, as the point of this point is this- my computer is now my wife's in every way except her acknowledging it. Is this one reason why I have been looking at notebook computers? perhaps....
• iPod- I think this one hurt the most. It was obvious the level of sneakiness she had sunk to on this item. I had an iPod for a couple of years, and it was starting to lose it's effectiveness (battery issues). I would fuss because that's what I do when something I have gotten used to doing as it should starts crapping out on me. Well, she would borrow said device to go on her walks. Gone are the days of the Walkman device, now she has been exposed to high tech devices. So, she began talking me into considering the possibility of getting a new one. That's right, she was encouraging me to get a new one. Why, because she figured that when I got a new one I wouldn't miss the old one. Well, I did indeed get a new iPod. My old one has been taken over, by the iPod Snatcher...
• my car- this is the only battle I have successfully maintained a delaying action on. My wife has repeatedly tried to get me to give her my Honda Accord. Her Chrysler Sebring is two payments away from being ours, and she wants (or used to) my Honda. A man has to draw the line somewhere I guess. A victory? I take what I can get.
  

This list is far from complete, but it does provide a tiny insight into our relationship. How did I lose possession? It's simple I guess, a man's biological need to be seen as a good provider coupled with a woman's suggestion that certain items would make her happy. Every man has a list similar to mine. What did I get out of all the exchanges? A wink, a smile, a hip shimmy, and longer life span. Not a bad trade at all.

"Thanks", well sometimes it's just inappropriate

I know I am blogging outside of a promised topic per my last post (at which my wife will pretty much shoot in for a double leg take down, drop me to the ground, pass my guard, and start raining brain crushers on my sweet little pea head), but I need to vent on a pet peeve: email tags which include your personal info and either "Thanks", "Thank You", "Thank You So Much" or variations of said tags.

Why does this bother me? Well, sometimes information relayed via email doesn't always need to end with "Thanks" despite that you have all your replies set up to include "Thanks", and sometimes leaving "Thanks" in an email response is odd, rude, condescending, and it is always lazy. Will I give examples? Sure.

When auto "Thanks" in a reply doesn't work:

Odd

"well, I was late today because I got a phone call from my Dr's office last night, and it does appear that I caught genital warts from that bass guitarist from the band "Rottn Grotch" two weeks ago and I needed to get lasered up"

Thanks,
Ms Loose Morals

Rude

"so, I hope you don't mind, but when we did it like they do on the Discovery Channel without protection, I am almost positive I gave you genital warts. Good luck with that."

Thank You,
Rottn Grotch Bass Guitarist

Condescending

"Dear Ms Loose Morals,

Your test results are back, and you did indeed catch 'the genital warts' (how quaint) from that long haired high school dropout with a Star Search dream spawning ground of VD you "lost" all self control over. What is that, the fourth lapse of judgment this year alone? Please do me two favors: 1) Find another OB/GYN, your continuous returns to me for medicinal consultation due to poor sexual common sense has made it all but impossible to look at another "danger zone" without feeling like I need to suit up as if I am trying out for the Chernobyl clean up crew and; 2) Remove yourself from society until your brain has logged as much active use as your "Hello There" area. Frankly, that you haven't spawned the next epidemic that will wipe out 33% of the population is amazing and somewhat suspect. I guess you haven't really slept with every hot guy you meet. Thank you for your restraint (yeah right)."

Thank you (seriously, this is heart felt),
Dr. Heebie Geebies

Lazy

"hey, do you know how long it takes for penicillin to kick in?"

Thanks,
Ms Loose Morals


If I am in an email conversation with you, and every response from you has "Thanks" in the email even when I have not done anything to deserve receiving thanks for, you are increasing your worthlessness and proving my theory on your lack of intelligence with every Outlook chime.

To me, "Thanks" in every email is as bad as typing IN ALL CAPS, or typing in Ebonics/IM verbage. Y0 d1zzl3, Yu no that $hit is str8 whack.

If you are going to say thanks, at least be man/woman/adult enough to type it only when you mean it.

Thank you,
Innocuous Ramblings

Total newness!!!

Hey, people seem interested in what is new with me (or they are interested in what I think they are interested in, which is essentially the same thing. I say this only to acknowledge that there is a ton of stuff that I don't relay on here, which I am sure people would find interesting, but it's normal for me so I don't write about it, so you just wrap your little bean around that). I tried for the longest information relayed in parenthesis award, feel free to vote for me. If you actually read that and got mildly winded, you get an award too.

• I have been complimented on the unquestionable hotness that is my shaved head. It is wonderful in its roundness and lack of dents. If you knew my childhood (2 words- skateboard punk) you understand how honored I am that NASA calibrates their tools to accurately measure roundness based off noggin blueprints I supply them. Thank you Poop, it is always good to know that I am popular inter stately . FYI- I shave my head on purpose, I am actually blessed with an over-active follicle arrangement. Hooray Hair!!!
• I saw Transformers again. Still a great movie. If you are a nerd from the '80s or early '90s, you either have seen this or not yet. If you haven't yet, what the frig are you waiting on???
• Started jogging. Not sure why. Everything feels good, no pains so far. I might just keep doing it. And then I will bust a shredded ab shot on this website, making me a triple threat male (intellect, nicely shaped noggin, totally ab-tastic belly). DNA will be on sale on eBay, check with BHazy for the PayPal account.... Yeah, there's more than a few eyebrows raised on this bullet point.
  
• Going to Texas next week. In August. I assume I will get the middle seat between Beelzebub and Mephistopheles for the ride down. Satan himself will be the pilot. Hoooooottttt.
  

Discovered and (hopefully) enjoyed by:

• Despite my efforts to minimize exposure to this blog at the workplace, it seems that I am discovered (thanks to hotlink from tadpole). Sooooo, I would like to welcome Turbo to this page. Don't be scared to leave a comment...
• Candy, where you at? Been ages since you posted.
• Peter- welcome aboard sir. I am indeed innocuous ramblings. Happy reading sir.

Please stay tuned for my future update titled "Things my wife swindled from me by batting her eyelashes or shaking her rump in my direction". I may have to shorten the title, but I think you see where I will be going with that post.....

Hey, I'm back

I apologize for yet another delay between posts, but I swear that this time it was not my fault (at least not all of it). Bhazy and I have been experiencing monitor trouble, but I think that is to be expected when you have a 9 year old CRT (way before flat screen) monitor.

At this moment I would like to pay respects to LG electronics, life really is good (reference to their commercials). I have had this monitor less than 36 hours, I am a big fan.

My wife is even more happy about this than I am, and as the saying goes- "as long as momma is happy, everyone is happy".

Now my only concern is now my wife will be blogging it up even more than usual, which is really saying something.

Quick update:

• Went to New Orleans. Made it back in one piece. Not gonna see me on any Girls Gone Wild Videos. 'Nuff said.
• Going to Texas is a couple of weeks. Looking forward to another trip to Fogo de Chao. Not much else.
• Work is work. For lack of freedom now that my boss is aware, I will leave my comments unsaid.
• Still reading Steven Erikson, I really advise you do the same.
• I have a new iPod. It is great. I don't mind when someone has a veritable monopoly on an idea, especially when it makes me this happy.
  
• My wife is eyeballing my old iPod, I will write on that topic later...

Outside of that, I have to "ponder" future (near future, not far) topics and update later.

Angry much? Who, me?!?!?!

Seriously, I am not an angry person. Apparently two co-workers recently told my wife I was an angry young man. I disagree with their diagnosis.

I would described myself as a person who's level of tolerance for all things that qualify as "plain stupid", "mentally lazy", "moronic", and "mind numbingly brain dead" is somewhat on the low side. And by somewhat on the low side I mean I have no patience what so ever. When I encounter or have to interact with someone who meets the criteria for "dumber than a box of sh-t", I become frustrated. Let's list examples shall we...

1. Let's say you ask me a question, and I answer it, providing all relevant details and facts. If you ask me the same question tomorrow, I will provide the same info, but chances are you will get a warning message alerting you to my concern for your brain function. Ask me a third time at any point within the next 5 days, I will ignore you or I will commence a series of events that will highlight just how dumb you are, in terms even a dumb a$$ can comprehend. If it is important enough for you to ask me (the first time) and I pay your question the respect it deserves and provide incredibly useful information, I take it as disrespect and lack of caring for you to forget, ignore, or fail to memorize the info you asked me to provide. I take my job serious, and if you disrespect me I get "agitated".
2. Let's say you ask for my help to ensure a process runs smoothly. I provide that help, and yet somehow the things you were responsible for are FUBAR as if you could care less about the process you initiated, you have wasted my time. I will get "agitated". If you ask me to help you clean up your cluster as well, chances are I will, but remember I have already become "agitated", anymore signs of a lack of effort or concern by you opens yourself up to verbal lambasting on a level to make some people feel "depressed".
   
3. Let's say I foresee potential problems (I am awesome at predicting episodes of moronic-ness), I care enough to bring you a potential problem scenario and suggest ways to avoid them. However, if the problem actually arises and you have the cajones to act like you did not know something like that could happen and commence to trying to shift blame, I will put together an airtight, Supreme Court worthy argument on how you are a waste of resources to humanity.
4. If you assure me you can do something as long as I put these steps in place, and I do as you have asked me, and you fail to perform your job, I am now chapped. Should I remind you, & you assure me it was a one time occurrence, and you fail again, now I am chapped and blistered. If you receive a third chance to correctly do your job and it is above your abilities because you obviously don't care, I am borderline homicidal and you need to go away for 2-3 months. Seriously, I don't understand how people cannot do the most simplest of tasks when I consider some of the things I am responsible for.
   
5. If I bust you down to the rank of mentally challenged and you take the time to acknowledge you screwed up but then try to blame someone else, now you are in the realm where I can't respect you because of your inability to do your job and your inability to own your mistake like a man. Essentially, you are dead to me, I am just waiting for Darwin to do his job.
6. Fast/loud talkers- This isn't something that occurs, it is a breed of person I come into contact with. They make my skin crawl with unfulfilled dreams of physical and mental destruction I wish to visit upon them. If you are a fast and loud talker, I know your story. You have something to hide, and you try to hide by talking way too fast and way too loud, and with me you have roughly 30 seconds to prove it isn't ignorance or your trying to pull something over on me. 99% of fast/loud talkers fail my 29 second fool proof bullsh-t test, after which I assume every conversation you have with me you are trying to mislead me. In other words, you are wasting my time and chances are good you are lying to me, and while you talk I am mentally trying to make your heart stop or a blood vessel in your head rupture. I just am, sorry. I figure if I can't speed up the conversation, I can entertain myself.
   

I am not an angry man, but there are things that make me angry. That I encounter those things at my job almost daily probably does provide the appearance that I am angry. However, I am generally not angry at home so I definitely contribute that appearance of being angry to my business life. For me to take angry home after work means that that particular day was worse than normal, and by worse I mean it was 10-12 hours of flash flood dumb with a chance for severe moronic. Usually the 20 minute ride home is enough time to exorcise the demons and walk into the house happy.

Thanks Tadpole, thanks B-Luv, I appreciate your concern for my personality orientation but I much prefer smiling and laughing and having a good time. I really do.

Something I figured out today

I woke up at 4am today. I woke up because my son came to see me, slightly earlier than normal. My son has been waking up and coming to get me at 5am sharp for about 3-4 weeks now. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later, but the average wake up time is 5am.

What goes on a 5am? Well, usually there's some breakfast, changing of clothes, reading some books, watching music videos (Rihanna's "Umbrella" is a fan favorite...), and of course some Thomas the Train coordination and discussion. Mommy usually stays asleep for these festivities...

My wife and I discussed several possibilities for this, including he will probably be someone who doesn't need a lot of sleep, he is going through a growth spurt, etc. He does wake me up telling me he is hungry, so I never questioned it too deeply. He is growing, and I don't want to be responsible for slowing him down.

Today I wanted to vegg in bed a bit longer, so I asked my son to lay with me for a bit. I got no objections, he snuggled right up with me holding him and went right to sleep. I am talking old school daddy holding little man snuggling and sleeping (he slept, I held him and listen to him breathe). This constitutes the best transition from sleep into wide awake for me in quite some time.

5am, my alarm goes off, and the usual festivities commence (no Rihanna video though, shucks). So, what was the difference in 4am and 5am if we were going to do the very same stuff? The snuggling time. I truly believe the boy just wants to hang out with me. He isn't coming to get me JUST because he is hungry (even though he is), and he isn't JUST coming to get me so we can do our normal routine (although we always do). I think, scratch that, I know and believe he comes and gets me because he wants to spend as much time with me as he possibly can. In his eyes, I am the coolest guy he knows.

I woke up at 4am today. I woke up and learned something new, and today has been a glorious day because of it.

Geez, talk about fussy people....

So anyway, I have been lambasted and chastised for my lack of entries and overlong delays in posting. I actually got called out today verbally by my friend who runs http://supplementyourlife.blogspot.com, add to that my wife and my mom giving me poop, oh and Poop kinda giving me poop too, so here you go. I am posting something. Merry Christmas. I hope you're happy....

What to write about? I got nothing really pressing to discuss. This weekend I finished another book, I finally saw all of Street Thief (turns out it's not real, but it had me for about two hours), I have eaten a lot of spaghetti in the last 18 hours (thanks BHazy), and I let my son brutalize me (jumping on my stomach and back, knees in the back, run and leap onto me, cover me up and then pummel me, the usual), then we went to the park and let him chase a big dog around. Currently, my son is napping and my wife is hovering over my back to ensure I publish this. No pressure, right honey sweetums????

Thought for the day- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does that frog still need to say "my bad" if he farts a little?

My wife made me do it

I got tagged by my wife (and no, not as in my eye by her delicate knuckles), so here is a MEME (why it's called that, I'll never understand. probably qualify for a post on what I don't understand) about me. I hope to impart my usual flair whilst answering this list.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
1. planning my marriage to BHazy (talk about nervous and excited)
2. trying to determine if picking up and delivering packages was what I wanted to do as a career (it wasn't)
3. growing my hair out- all for BHazy and her hair band Bon Jovi fetish
4. took another stab at college- still don't like it
5. trying to outgrow my juvenile tendencies (at 25 years or age, just call me late bloomer)

Five Snacks You Enjoy:
1. Kay's natural chips- I introduced these to my wife, they are delicious
2. chips and salsa- must be hint of lime tostitos. I think I would dance burlesque for this snack
3. M&Ms- must be plain. take the above comment, add "full monty" to the mix
4. Pre sleep meal- cottage cheese and protein powder mixed together. add Peanut butter to the mix. Peanut Butter makes everything taste good.
5. Goldfish- seriously, I think those toddler people are on to something

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To:
1. Here Without You- 3 Doors Down
2. Intergalactic- Beastie Boys
3. Temperature- Sean Paul
4. I Stand Alone- Godsmack
5. You Give Love A Bad Name- Bon Jovi (call it my commitment to picking on my wife about Bon Jovi, but I feel you gotta give 100%)

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire:
1. Walk away clean from my job to spend all day with my wife and son
2. buy a bigger house, maybe at the beach
3. buy a minivan for my wife, knowing I would be the only one driving it
4. travel everywhere. I mean everywhere.
5. if I got bored, open up a nutritional supplement store and help my friend open a computer repair shop. Think Clerks, but we would actually be productive and provide a service.

Five bad habits:
1. I burp. Everywhere. With total disregard for conventional standards of social etiquette. I would so burp in front of Martha Stewart. and blow it in her face, that old uppity b!tch. Directly related to this, I will not fart in front of anyone. I mean, that's just rude.
2. I pick on people. Unmercifully. It gets worse if I don't like you.
3. I have trouble dealing with stupid commercials. Sometimes I cuss.
4. I like to argue just for the sake of the argument. My grandmother once told me I would argue with a Stop Sign. Not far from the truth. I call it being "devil's advocate".
5. I thump my wife's bottom. It stings when I thump. Not really a bad habit, but it does cause my wife to squeal a bit, stomp her foot, and huff. Sometimes I get a crooked pointer finger aimed my way. I so enjoy that. I loooooooooooooooove feisty women.

Five Things You Like To Do:
1. read- love to read, and not just the articles in Playboy
2. work out- my wife likes my muscles....
3. eat- pretty much everything excluding some vegetables. equal opportunity devourer
4. take naps with my son- I have found this is the bestest, deepest sleep I ever get. Even when he rolls over and monkey slaps me in the eye.
5. hang out with friends and family- I just do.

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again:
1. my hair long -it looked good, just way too much upkeep and hassle. I don't know how you women do it
2. "jorts"- also known as jean shorts. long story, I wrote about part of it earlier this year
3. shorts in the winter- yeah, I used to do that (jorts involved here too). I have learned so much in 2007
4. ugly glasses- some of my corrective lenses were awful, thankfully my wife and son are here to save me
5. got nothing here. if you saw my wardrobe selection, it's pretty much casual excluding the work shirts I acquire as a fringe benefit to my job. Key word, comfortable. That's just how I roll

Five Favorite Toys
1. ipod- sometimes all you need is a song to alter the course of your day
2. computer- when I can get my wife to stop reading blogs or reading up on Bon Jovi, Bill Phillips, Justin Timberlake, Vince Vaughn, Howie Mandell, Rich Franklin, etc. etc. etc, I do enjoy various options my computer affords me (shopping, reading, research, video games)
3. tv remote- hey, I'm a guy, it's bred into our DNA
4. I got nothing here
5. ditto

I am not sure that this serves any purpose, but when I said "I do" to my wife, I knew it was for better or for worse. Just trying to keep her happy. Now if you will excuse me, she has read some of this entry and is shaking a bag of M&Ms in my direction with a smile on her face.

Since some of you insisted...

Not going to lie, I was about to walk away from blogging. But I have been "encouraged" (meaning my mom and my wife applied feminine persuasion/torture to wear me down) to continue to inundate cyberspace with my warped vision. Congrats cruel world, this sputtering candle continues to flame still.

Why would I stop "rambling"? Well, if a person deliberately writes in a controversial manner as a means to initiate discussions and receives no counterpoint, the zest for writing fades away. I am no prehistoric savage or superstitious innocent, I have no need to whistle in the dark as a means to keep the boogie man away. I am comfortable holding debates on a wide range of topics alone in my own head. Crazy you say? That's not what all the other Dhazy's in my noggin tell me....

Would I totally stop writing? Nope, not at all. In fact, I have two projects I am working on to continue making contributions to the literary community. Now I have three (hooray for BHazy and GiGi). That totally read like I was bragging, and I apologize. I have made the claim to rocking all forms of literature, but this paragraph is cheesy and sad. Please move on loyal reader...

What else is up? Well, nothing new really. Work is still occupying 50-60 hours of my work week, my wife is still hotting it up, and my son's intelligence is still as equally unusual as his physical strength. I seriously think my wife and I should receive the Nobel prize for physically proving that human evolution is not scary as in an X-Man/Heroes kind of way, but more in a fun, entertaining, and dimple-tastic fashion. Proud of our achievement? You bet your sweet a$$ I am.

Mrs. Snowman Poop, you honor me for listing me on your blog as someone worth reading. By the way, I too share your frustration that confectioners and food colorists have not taken the time to develop a realistic pink that accurately represents nipple pigments for naughty cakes. Thank you for not losing focus, and I am sure the boob cake was as delicious as it was fun to look at. Seriously folks, we are talking cake and boobs, combined together to make a feast for the eyes and tummy. As a man I am genetically bred to find that amusing and delightful. I won't apologize for it, I simply regret that Mrs Snowman Poop's artistic talents were discovered roughly 4 weeks after my birthday.

In regards to the penis cake, I think that's somewhat childish***.



***the previous comment was indeed sarcasm. I said it as I think it's funny to adopt a double standard viewpoint to help flush out femi-nazis. If you are a woman and you got somewhat riled up, you have to leave a comment. It's the law.

Hey, smile a little.

Money Problems??? Things can't be this bad.... This video is funny. Funny enough to add my blog to the list of websites that have referenced or hosted this video? Absolutely not. At least, not without a substantial reason. And that reason is the following:

My wife, son and I are eating dinner and my son proceeds to amuse us with his adult like comments. So, my son says "I can't hear you guys", at which point my wife for some crazy reason looks at my son and says "Can you say "I need my money"?", of course we now start thinking of Pearl. We both want to adopt Pearl. Simply for the possibilities....

If you're curious, my son can say "I want my money", so loan sharking is a potential career avenue. Rock on KHazy (devil horns with your fingers)!!!

I turned 35 today- not for the faint of heart....

Yeah, whoohoo, I'm the big three-five. I have had a few "old man" jokes fired across my proverbial bow, no worries though. I am committed to not letting the whole age thing play tricks on my mind. To show my disdain for the measurement of lifespan that humans regularly participate in, I proceeded to do the following on this day of days. Heehee, it has been quite adventurous...

• slept in late-ish (7:30am). I took the day off from work, so what better way to give a present to me than to sleep later than 5:00am. Also, I did not work out full on (did some crunches is all), as I need to maintain my state of relaxedness for any potential wildness. That was smart of me.
• birthday breakfast- three scoops of whey protein, and six ounces of sweet potato. Heaven's to Betsy but that was excitingly normal of me. Followed 2.5 hours later by two scoops of micellar casein (protein) and one tablespoon of natural peanut butter. That's what you call pee-on-yourself exciting.
  
• paid bills- sorry about that, I should have warned you all so you could have sat down. I hope no one passed out from the shock. Whoopee. I wrote some checks. on my birthday. How..."mature" of me. Dear cable, cell phone, regular phone, & water providers as well as property tax collector, it's my birthday- Aren't you supposed to be giving me gifts that don't require I give you something back (meaning my money)? In the spirit of my birthday and all, I have to ask.
  

Now, I know at my age I should really slow down, take things easy. But as you can see, I have thrown caution to the wind already today. Now here is where the story really gets wild. What better way to spend your birthday than to wait three hours at the local DMV to get my driver's license renewed. Three hours. To get a new picture. No test other than eyesight and sign recognition. Please understand, this was at a local DMV in a little country town that exists at the outskirts of the city I live in. We all know the type- it's the secret DMV that only natives to the state know about. The one where you can walk in and walk out in under 15 minutes. Not too bad for a state employee facility, normally. But today, it seems that the DMV I picked was experiencing some staffing shortages. Normally I would go to another, but all the other DMVs I knew about were just as bad or worse according to some of my fellow sufferers. It seems that the ones that I know about but only go to under the most dire of emergencies were having "staffing" issues as well, and were registering insanely long waits as well. I can't emphasize enough, it took three hours to get my new "serial killer" license. Basically what I look like, thank you DMV camera. Anyway, nothing like suffering at the hands of governmental bureaucracy to pull people together. I was there fifteen minutes and had already been adopted by the "lifers" . They took me under their wings, explained the routine, even helped me come to grips with my potential time of serving. It was almost like a scene from "band of brothers" or "shawshank redemption". There were jokes, cigarette bumming, cussing at "the man", we had it all. Hell, I was even congratulating people when they got their licenses, promising I would one day see them on the "outside". And then the moment I had waited for for two hours and fifty minutes, they called my number. Oh, did I leave that part out? Yeah, I had to stand in line to get a number (like at a butcher or sandwich shop) to stand in line and wait. One license, two lines. So, my numbers was called, I answered a few questions, took my test, sat down in front of the camera, and was out the door in ten minutes. But hey, I don't have to do that for another eight years. At this point, I am starving and luckily (not really) for me, there is a restaurant next door. I crush a decent meal (decent as in size/amount of food), and then went home. What did I do when I got home? Wait for it..............................



I took a nap. And so it begins.

Happy Birthday to a Very Important Lady- BHazy!!!

On this day, blank space blank space years ago, my BHazy was born. Hooray for me!!! Such a notable occasion, her name belongs in the list of other famous (or infamous) people.

Famous People Born Today : On May 02 (reduced due to relevance in my life and boredom factor)

• Baron Von Richthofen was born on 2nd of May in 1892- this is the legendary Red Baron of World War I infamy and frozen pizza fame. Like the Red Baron, BHazy shot my heart out of the sky and then I served it to her on a flaky, golden crust. How romantic....


• Bing Crosby was born on 2nd of May in 1904- Famous actor of the 30's through the 70's. Famous titles include- "If I Had My Way", "Out of this World", "The Greatest Show on Earth", "Scared Stiff", and my personal favorite, "Anything Goes"...


• Engelbert Humperdinck was born on 2nd of May in 1936- Billed as "The King of Romance". Described in the following way- Humperdinck cultivated the image of a mysterious heartthrob.....drove female fans wild. Just like me....


• Dwayne The Rock Johnson was born on 2nd of May in 1972- Yeah, pretty much this dude is the reason I was forced to watch wrestling for roughly 3 years, and why I have had to be subjected to award winning films such as "The Rundown" and "Walking Tall". At least "Gridiron Gang" was decent.


• David Beckham was born on 2nd of May in 1975- Soccer dude, married to a Spice Girl (who my wife did listen to when they first came out). And I like soccer.


• BHazy was born on 2nd of May in 1973- Well, this little sweetie pie stole my heart a long time ago (18 years this October). Maybe I'm a sucker for redheads, or black skirts and tight red sweaters, or all three, but I was toast the first moment I saw her. Since then, we have been partners in crime as the saying goes, and our combined DNA (her looks, my size, our brains) have helped us create a truly spectacular specimen of baby boy I like to refer to as Woot Doodle Shaboo (Disney channel thing again).

Happy Birthday you YOUNG Hottie you!!!

Weekly (kinda) update

This will be an unusual update, which for me is very usual, so is it really unusual? Ponder that a moment.... Anyway, read close, I will be delivering a lot of info (I think).

First off, I had a booming headache yesterday. Could have been caffeine DTs, could have been just hunger, but that noggin of mine was in a vice grip. Good ole BHazy suggest I drink a beer as she had read somewhere that it helps with headaches. We were at a restaurant for dinner during this suggestion, okay it was Smokey Bones that my brother RHazy works at (between you and I, he runs the joint). They had Sam Adams Boston Lager on tap, so I give the remedy a shot. Two large beers later, I still have a headache but I am somewhat blistered (lightweight in the drinking arena, I specialize in designated driving) and my wife is amused as I am talking even more trash than normal. I finally resort to 800mg of Ibuprofen and sleep to get rid of my headache, but I did learn that my wife can have fun supervising a tipsy DHazy. Ummm, RHazy, I don't think I did anything to embarrass you, but you might want to check with the staff.....

Candi (my newest reader), I thought I would post specifically to you instead of replying to comments. Part of my open policy policy (what?). Anywho, in regards to your comments:

• Offended by your comments on KHazy? Not in the least. My response in regards to uniqueness was sincere but not posted in anger. My wife and I are "unique" in that we are not typical. I am functionally anti-social and my wife married me anyway. I have slowly contaminated her way of thinking, so she has joined me in my life long pursuit of crazy. With the two of us in charge of KHazy, well you can guess what will happen...
• Have I figured out who Anonymous is? yes, I know who it is. Despite his/ I mean "this person's" insistence that it is not him, I mean "them", I know who it is.
  
• How did I make it up to BHazy for my slackness in regards to our Anniversary? Technically, I don't feel that I have completed my penance. I do have plans to work off part if not all of my self imposed sentence on my vacation coming up soon.
  
• Pictures? Well, since I am a shy guy (yes I am, seriously, stop laughing), I am not one to deliberately jump in front of a camera. But if you really want to check me out, I have a few tasteful, artistic nudes at www.sexyalbinos.com, I invite you to check them out. My model name is Sexy Pale Rider.... Seriously, my wife has me plastered all over flickr, just be gentle in your comments. My ego is fragile....

Hey, I'm somewhat shocked at the lack of comments on my VT massacre post. I know I have written some rather aggressive and what some may deem hostile ramblings, but I felt sure that my "Perspective" entry would have generated some responses. Even my friend Tadpole who was in the military did not leave a comment. Come on people, I wrote that half expecting someone to get all righteously indignant over my trivializing what happened in Virginia. I hate it when I start an argument no one wants to participate in...

Not as much as I thought it would be. I must have writers block write now. I will need to work on a better post later I guess.

Let's keep things in perpective

First off, let me extend my deepest sympathies to the families of those students who lost their lives at Virgina Tech this week. That was truly a tragedy, not just in regards to lives lost but potential lost, and I say that for all 33 lives including that of the killer. Who knows what a few well timed, meaningful, supportive and uplifting statements made throughout that man's life might have created?

I have been inundated with messages asking me to show my support and proudly proclaim my "Hokie-ness" by wearing maroon and orange today (the maroon and orange movement started as a show of school spirit at sporting events). I even saw a VT logo filled with the logos of hundreds of other colleges, as institutes of higher learning all over the nation send their condolences and well wishes in support of Virginia Tech during this issue. Across the nation, alumni and non-attending people all want to show their solidarity in this troubling time.

But, let's keep things in perspective. Although what happened was an American tragedy, I am somewhat disappointed in the American public and their willingness to exclaim outrage and horror over that while they seemingly have become desensitized to the loss of American life that occurs daily overseas. As of today, the USA has lost 3358 soldiers in four years of fighting for our freedoms in Iraq- click here. On top of that, 24,645 soldiers have been wounded in that same time frame. It is predicted that fatalities will reach around 115 service men and women, with wounded reaching over 600. Those are numbers for the month of April, 2007.

The sad thing is, at most the events at Virginia Tech will see national attention for another 15-21 days (I give it no more than a week really). It will then see national exposure at the one year anniversary for those events. Due to the limited national impact (just being honest), after the one year anniversary it will only be remembered at VT and if another school killing takes place (heaven forbid).

But that is the nature of the human/American spirit. What were you hoping for? Americans having been dying by the hundreds of thousands (click here) protecting our freedoms and those of other nations that could not/would not fight for themselves, and the most those brave men and women can expect is a parade on Veterans day attended only by family members of those who have served or are serving in the US Armed Forces.

Do me a favor, get your collective PC heads out of your a$$es. What happened in VT was bad, but it doesn't hold a candle to what America has lost putting men and women in the field to fight for our right to send useless emails requesting I coordinate colors to show support. As an American, I refuse to call myself Hokie. I have too much respect for those men and women who suit up daily to fight for my right to type this rant to turn my back on them and demean their efforts by wearing mascot colors. Until America as a nation willingly and openly weeps for the lives lost in every war we have fought since the Declaration of Independence was adopted as the law of our land, you will have to forgive my unwillingness to "play along". Until then, I will mentally fly the colors I think truly show support of lives lost- olive green, desert brown, and camouflage.

OooRah.

Update on me- read on, you owe it to yourself

Well, here is a brief recap on what I have experienced in the last week or so:

• Saw the movie "Borat", wasn't impressed. I do understand why he has been verbally and physically abused. Brought it on himself.
• Saw the movie "Pursuit of Happyness". Pretty good movie. It shows the lengths a parent (father or mother) should be willing to go to to make a better life for their child.
• Went to a Mediterranean restaurant with some friends. Took my son. Discovered he has a thing for belly dancers. Hey, she was good looking, I ain't mad at him.
• Took my son to an indoor playground for kids called Monkey Joe's. I like the place, excellent place to take a child and let them wear themselves out. What I don't like is the fact that 12 year olds can play right beside my 2 year old despite the size and mass differences (although my son is pretty big). My son got hurt (bigger kid), I got mad, we left. Only because I didn't think I could get away with whipping 200 children that weren't mine.
• Took my son to a mall with a children's play area. He got hurt again. His fault this time. He was zipping around about 100 mph, hit a smaller boy full tilt (pretty much hit the boy so hard his toenails popped off). So, since my son wouldn't slow down and was potentially going to pull a three-peat on damage incurred, I picked him up and physically removed him from the area. It was a 15 minute battle royale, and if I hadn't switched to trickery I may not have won.
  
• Went and looked at some Affliction shirts. My son helped prevent me from making a purchase. Thank you KHazy.
• I ate some M&Ms after my son went to bed. They were delicious. Sorry about that KHazy.
• I ate about 6 helpings of my wife's spaghetti in 24 hours. I gained one (1) pound. Yes, I am dancing my "In your face" dance, which is different from my "You are about to get some of this" dance (Scrubs reference).
  
• I am looking forward to next Monday, as "Heroes" comes back on. I am not happy that they are advertising these as the last five episodes. NBC, I will ask you nicely to not do this to me. Please, continue entertaining me and making millions on sponsorship advertising dollars. You are a broadcast network, I think somewhere in your bylaws you have to...
• My wife got new bras. Hooray for me.

I think that gives voice to my inner dialog sufficiently enough to allow me some peace and quiet. Plus, I need at least 5-7 days to come up with happenings to top these.