Sometimes, I really disappoint myself

Seriously, I have a baseline expectation of how I should behave and act. For those of you that know me, this has nothing to do with my phenomenal ability to burp in any social situation, or for that matter to make the most shocking comments or do shocking things in any social situation (flashback for my Mom- Thanksgiving, her house, I need to squeeze by her and my grandmother her mom, and I politely ask them to make the choice "a$$ or crotch?").

No, I have a minimum expectation for myself in regards to family and important dates. Family is very important to me, and none more so than the importance I have placed on my wife and son. Pretty much, excluding my more base human moments, there isn't an action that I undertake that is not directly tied to them and dedicated to them. So, why did I let my job occupy my mind to the point that I forgot to tell my wife Happy Anniversary yesterday? 9 years married, I have been devoted to her for more than half my life. I made a promise to myself to not be that guy, the guy that forgets his anniversary/wife's birthday. And I failed to keep that promise. I have no excuse, I'm just plain ole "I'm dumber than a box of cold $hit" sorry. How many times can you say "I'm Sorry" with conviction and your disappointment in yourself goes away? My wife seemed okay with it, said it was no biggie, has apparently forgiven me. I just don't know how long before I forgive myself. Now for a message to my wife.

Dearest Love of My Life,

I truly am sorry BHazy. I will make this up to you. I freely place upon myself an obligation, one you do not feel needs to be enforced out of love for me, that I will atone for this sin. I really did disappoint myself. I am better than the person I was yesterday. Thanks for your understanding and non-judgemental love BHazy, you truly do mean the world to me.

Seriously, Doctors scare the $hit out of me

I know, I had promised an update on my travels and how I survived, unique things I saw, blah blah blah blah. And I will get to that... Right after I vent some on doctors.

Here is my issue with doctors in a nut shell- 99% of them seem to have a holier than thou attitude because they managed to successfully accomplish the following:

• graduate with their degree 7-14 years after all other college graduates have gone out to get a real job
• rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars in college loan debts
• this is the most amusing- they get a lovely sheet of sheep skin stating they have a license to PRACTICE medicine. This means they are in no way the equivalent of Bruce Lee in medicine; he was a master of his art/trade. After 14 years of schooling, the best a recent graduate can claim is they are equal to the kung fu student who gets the dubious honor of scrubbing toilets. Congratulations Doogie Howser, don't be stingy with the bleach.....

If you are a doctor and yet are having trouble understanding what it is I am trying to say- Cut the bull$hit with the "I'm a doctor, therefore I know everything" routine. If you have the knee jerk reaction to say that this is in fact true, please read on. If you feel you need to maintain the thin illusion that is your fake supremacy, I suggest you close this screen.

Here begins the story of my most recent issue with doctors. Two scenarios I know about, totally separate and yet connected, but both provide backup for my point. I find it funny. At least, now I do.

1. First example. Let's say I have this acquaintance, and her name is BHayzy (no relation to BHazy at all). Let's say this acquaintance was very sick, could not eat or drink anything. Let's say I take this person to a doctor's office for evaluation and treatment, at which point they diagnose her as being dehydrated. To combat her body's inclination to reject recently consumed food (she has not eaten for 15+ hours, this was told to the doctor), they decide to give her a shot that controls nausea. How will this shot work you might ask? Being uneducated, I will hazard a guess and say it is a version of muscle relaxer that inhibits muscular contractions, and potentially numbs feelings of pain or discomfort. But I don't really know, and researching it won't disprove my issue. This compound has the side effect of making the recipient dizzy and/or sleepy. Now, if someone hasn't eaten in 15+ hours, and everything they ate prior has seen the light of day before and after the introduction to teeth and tongue, chances are blood sugar levels are in the basement. Meaning, this compound will react harder and faster as there is nothing to blunt how rapidly it is absorbed by the body. So, my wife, er I mean my acquaintance is standing at the check out to pay for our visit. And promptly passes right out. I mean eyes roll back, tunnel vision, everything goes black, wake up asking "how in the hell did I get down here" passed out. I am outside with a mad toddler (past his nap time, past his meal time, past his everything time) wondering what is taking my wife, I mean, my acquaintance so long. After roughly 5-6 minutes, the crack staff of genius nurses sends one of their own to finally tell me that my wife (enough with the acquaintance crap) has done a face plant in the office and they need her to hang out a little while. Why? her blood pressure was REALLY low. Why would it be low? Would it be because they gave a sedative-type compound (remember, side effects are dizziness and drowsiness) to someone whose blood sugar was probably really fricking low. Smart thinking dumb butt, medical school really paid off. The clincher on this- the doctor tells me after 30 minutes that they can't get my wife's blood pressure back up, AND I REALLY NEED TO GET HER TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM. Question for all doctors- If you drop some one's blood pressure down real low because you forgot you bone up on sedative side effects that day, do you ask a guy whose wife you just f--ked up to drive her there, or do you go out of your way to call an ambulance. I have driven my wife's car, I have yet to see anything to jump start a stalled heart in there. But hey, I will do your job for you.
2. I get my wife to the emergency room. After the receptionist yells at me to clarify my wife's birth date like a dog that won't heel upon command (don't get me started), they finally get my wife to a room and an actual nice, competent nurse starts taking care of her. Then a doctor comes in and ruins the whole thing. See above, with all the references to my wife having really low blood pressure. Now this is funny. The doctor at the ER proceeds to describe to my wife that her fainting spell was similar to when you are dropping a deuce on the toilet and things aren't going your way and you "really work at it" or "concentrate" or do the ole "grunt and move" to speed up the process. If you are straining on the toilet, you are increasing blood pressure. Can you pass out? Sure you can, just ask Elvis. Is it the same as having low blood pressure and passing out? Nope, not even close. You see, one is high (straining to pass a doot) and one is low (blacking out because your heart isn't getting blood all the way to the brain). I did not graduate college at all, and yet I seem to understand this principle. Maybe I should apply as a professor at a medical institute. Heaven knows some info is falling through the cracks.

For those of you who think I am pulling your leg, I can assure you that all this actually happened. I have a delightfully demented and imaginative mind, but even this idiocy is beyond my abilities to make up out of thin air. So, to all the doctors out there, until you can establish a bare bones thresh hold of acceptable intellect, as a species of humans you might want to drop the attitude. Because if you would have caught me while you were acting like the second coming yesterday, I promise I would have shown you that you don't even deserve your own intro music.