Before my wife gets rowdy

I will go go ahead and revert to my "Blog-inator" persona (my wife's nickname, not mine) and leave a post. Usual topics will be covered, I will spice them up with unusual visuals to make it entertaining....

• Friday night- I get home from work, and I am told that we need to go to a restaurant for French fries. That would be my son. $16 later in margaritas (2 of them), my wife seemed to enjoy her meal too. I would like to take a moment to ask the distillers of Jose Cuervo exactly what they think they are bottling that would cause two normal size drinks to cost $8 a piece. It wasn't like I was in a nightclub in New York. Next time, I think I should order my wife her drinks.
• Saturday- I got the wheels beat clean off of me. We had a birthday party at Monkey Joe's. The b-day celebrator would be a friend of my son's (often referred to as his future wife). The party consisted of roughly seventy-five minutes of me chasing my son around the place. Visual moment- here's what it looked like for the other four hundred people there: he was Speedy Gonzales, I was the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. Anyway, as he is deeply entrenched in us being the Dynamic Duo, I was required to climb and slide on all the rides. I would like to ask Monkey Joe's why they love Armor All so much. I understand that the slide portion being slicked up does make it more fun for the children, but I would like to illustrate an issue. 240lb man + 20 foot of slide at forty-five degree angle + Armor All = a 240lb man-missile launching off a ride, breaking the sound barrier just before hitting a crowd of soccer moms huddled together playing the game "One Up". Hey, if you can afford the insurance, keep spraying.
• After Monkey Joe's, we head out to my wife's uncle's house to go swimming. First time taking my son to a pool I can actually fit in, so it was good times. Taught my son to jump into the pool (actual cannonball technique to come later). Had a cookout, hung out with family, we had a blast.
• Sunday- Dude's day cut mildly short as my wife wanted to take Ruf... I mean GHazy to see my Mom. My Mom has a cat, and Ruf... I mean GHazy wanted to test her for deliciousness. Moms wasn't having it. Then we all piled in the ride to head north of here to visit with Restaurant Jedi and his crew. Moms brought her new beau. I mention that as it is important for this part of the story...
• Interview with Mike- my Mom was mildly suspicious that I had not mentally tortured her sweetie with probing and infinitely embarrassing questions that only a child as warped as myself could ask. In fact, I was down right cool and charming. Also known as Good Cop. Enter Restaurant Jedi. Everything my Mom thought I would ask and some she had not expected were asked by my brother. In a public setting (Ruby Tuesday's). An hour from departing origin. Mike drove my mom there as a truly chivalrous man. In other words, hello Bad Cop. Mom's new dude handled it all in a calm and relaxed manner. After two 12oz Mohitos, so did Moms...
• Side note- my son and his cousin are potentially the most energetic tandem every found outside of nuclear fusion. Their ability to interact for extended periods of time and only get more happy & enthusiastic to be around one another is not only heartwarming and touching, but it is possibly the most frightening thing I have ever witnessed. Their personalities are such that Dennis the Menace, Tom Sawyer, and Vince Vaughn would all raise a public outcry as to the dangers of their "hanging out". Ever see the pic of two boys who found an open paint can, an unsupervised living room with wide screen tv, and fifteen minutes of free time? Like that, only more "unpredictable". Chips off the old blocks wouldn't you say Moms???
  

I'm toast, see ya.

Rest in Peace Johnny

My best friend's dad died this past weekend. I would like to post his picture as a way to honor his memory. Not many who read this will know of him, and for that I am sorry. He was a good guy. He will be missed.

My wife is a harsh task master

My wife has gone from hinting to telling me to register another post (seriously, she gets a 110lb bodyguard with a decent set of canines, all of a sudden she thinks she runs the joint). So, here, I'm doing just that dagnabbit. Sure I have stuff to say, but I don't write as well when I HAVE to do it. So, if any of you aren't amused or entertained, it is because I wrote under duress, and that don't make for quality writing.

• BHazy- that post on the Rott was funny, you did good. Bullet point 3 in my favorite, you seriously did real good. For those that read her post, I really do talk a lot of $hit, all in good fun though. Thankfully for me, I shoot so much her way she can't remember it all.
  
• Mom/GiGi- thanks for clearing your "busy social calendar" (i.e. Mike) to make time for me and mine to come by and see you. Yeah, I'm not jealous that he is getting some home cooking. Not much anyway..... Seems like a nice guy, not sure why you hid him from me for so long.
  
• Poop- congrats to you, Wes, and that adorable little bundle of joy bungee jumping on your uterus on the new home. May you have many wonderful years there, all kidding aside.
• Candi- Hey, I like this more attentive attitude you have displayed to this here blog. I hate that I had to talk sharp to you, but sometimes a man has to get a little disciplinarian-esque with folks. You responded well, I doubt I will have to address this lapse of yours again. By the way, nice comment on "I was just kidding ya'll" post, I wasn't expecting that. Oh, and yes, I am extremely shy. Hard to believe, but very true.
• Gracie aka Rufus- you know what's up, don't act like you don't. I got my eye on you Rufus. We was okay until Mr Tiger Bear bought the farm. That was just beat up what you did. Yeah, BHazy read this while I was writing, and now they are plotting to get me in my sleep.
  
• KHazy- had fun on Sunday little man, and we managed to not get thrown out of any stores so that's a plus. I look forward to the next "Dudes' Day" outing, I have it all planned out down to the french fries. For those that are saying "Dude's Day" sounds a lot like "Dooms Day", that's merely a coincidence. Sort of.

Booh ya, I nailed it again. Happy reading folks.

Additional displays of my influence...

Well, I made it back from TX in one piece, physically anyway. I don't wish to discuss my mental/emotional scars, new ones mind you, that I picked up. At least not until I see how much therapy my HMO covers.... Let's just say I was put into a very uncomfortable situation in a public forum, which is the last thing a person as shy as me wants to fall into. I will be okay, one day, I hope.

Anyway, as the title suggests, I wish to highlight some amusing displays of my influence on my son KHazy. These are things I have inadvertently taught him to say. This stuff is funny to me, laugh if you want to.

• Sunday night, back in town, I feel like grabbing a bite at a local Mexican restaurant with my wife and son. I am drinking unsweetened tea as I need a little caffeine boost and I wanted to drink something other than water. I have been trying to get KHazy to try unsweetened tea, he hasn't been willing. Until this time. I finally tricked/encourage/coerced him into trying. His words, not mine; "Hey, that's not bad. That's not bad at all." No sir, it ain't.
• Leaving the restaurant, walk out to the parking lot, notice a car parked kinda close. It was so close as to make it difficult for me to get my son in his car seat. I get a little testy about the contortions I have to put myself in to squeeze my frame into the rear car door, put my son into his set, fasten him, and then wiggle back out. So, as I squeeze into my seat to drive home, I tell my wife and son how I'm so mad I should pee on the offending car as a sign of my frustrations. Not very mature I know, but since I failed to get on with Cirque du Soleil I have been angry with doing back bends without getting paid. Anyway, my son had to address my obvious lack of bathroom AND public etiquette, as he commences to hit me with the following chastising: "You don't peepee on cars Daddy, you peepee in the toiwet. You peepee in the toiwet like a big boy. You use the potty like a big boy. You deuce on the toiwet too. Don't deuce on the car Daddy, you go deuce in toiwet. Don't deuce on the car Daddy, that's not vewy nice." My bad son, I lost my head there for a minute.
  
• "Where's mommy son?" "She's in the bathroom deucing." I didn't want specifics, just a general location. I got the satellite imaging answer plus some...
• "You got whiskers daddy, you need to shave them." Who are you, my mom....
• "I need to shower Daddy, I am hot and sweaty!" You do smell tired, let's do this.

That's enough for now, I don't wish to give all the goods away in one shot. If I did that, I don't think you (loyal readers) would respect me in the morning...

Hey, Tadpole, good looking out!!!

Thanks man, that was a gesture few would have had the courage to make were they suddenly found in your place. My wife sincerely appreciates what you have done, and is still quite emotional about it. Tears of joy though sir, she is very happy.

I don't know what else to say, other than to promise you we will always take care of her.

Welcome to the family GHazy!!!!

welcome to creepy town

Creepy with a capital 'uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhh".

Funny tag for picture- "See what happens when you don't SEE things Bhazy's way".

Get it, SEE, and the bear, it ain't got no eyes.

Ummm, I was just kidding ya'll

I think in my effort to delivery a message and entertain, I may have lost some readers. I would like to explain my last few posts.

• "Thanks", Well Sometimes It's Just Inappropriate- Due to the reduced number of comments/replies, I admit I may have been giving too much information at once. My deciding on a "topic" and giving numerous examples of when using thanks and tying them into that topic may have been a hair too much. It's like a magician who has a lovely assistant who just so happens to have a "wardrobe malfunction" during the spectacular "pull a rabbit out of a hat" bit, the crowd pretty much zeros in on the "surprise" surprise, and not so much the rabbits. I would like to apologize for that. The story line wasn't the important part, what was is that "thanks" doesn't always mean "thanks". Sometimes it pretty much means "F-ck You". Somehow I think I lost a few more of you just then...
• Beware the Wiles of Women!!!- Honestly, this was just me picking on my wife a bit more. I seriously have no issues with the blanket, the computer, the high school memorabilia, or the iPod. Especially the iPod. I know BHazy is sentimental. I mean she's kept my decrepit a$$ around long enough, if she didn't like things old and worn out, I reckon I wouldn't be here. If she wants to keep that paperweight just because ole WP gave it as a gift, well I will help give her some paper to hold down. I do miss the blanket though.
• Candi- I apologize for spelling your name like the delicious treat that M&Ms happens to be classified under (Candy). In no way was I suggesting you are delicious and sinful like candy (if you are well then congrats to you), and it wasn't one of those Freudian slip things (saying the wrong name at the wrong time). I just forgot how you spelled your name since it has been SOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOONG since you left a reply/comment. In a way, it's kinda your fault if you follow my stunning leap in logic. Shame on you Candi, you must do better.
• Jimmy- sorry about the whole "only one thing worth going to Texas for" entry, I didn't mean it. Of course it will be good to see you and hang out, tell "My son/daughter is doing this now" stories, and pick on co-workers. I meant no harm. I mean, how could I hate on the guy who helped me decide on my alias for this blog-tasticness? The answer is I can't, it just wouldn't be right.
• Poop- yeah that whole diet advice (see comments) thing blew up on me a little bit. I broke the cardinal rule among men (a true Man law)- you don't offer any woman who is trying to lose weight advice on that endeavor unless she specifically asks you. I got a case of big britches, and I'm sorry. Congrats to you and your husband on the impending child, if it's a boy you gotta trim the tip. I'm just saying.
  

I think that covers all necessary apology quotas for the week, thank you all for your understanding. I do leave for TX on Thursday (to hang with my main man Jimmy), and I will be back on Sunday. Try to keep it together until then....

So, I'm not totally worhtless I reckon

I am worth $1,794,200 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Beware the wiles of women!!!

As I stated in an earlier post, here is my highly anticipated (by BHazy) accounting of all things I have somehow lost possession or ownership of due to her masterful manipulation of my emotions, feelings, and masculine pride. Herein will lie the accumulation of material wealth that has transferred hands without hardly any struggle. Not all takeovers are hostile, despite what Hollywood would tell us. The list is long, best get a beverage....

• High School ring- we were high school sweethearts, and I believe that was (maybe still is) considered a sure sign of commitment amongst the teens. My hands are somewhat large, and I was forced to wear hers on a chain around my neck. Which explains a lot now that I think about it....
• Letterman jacket- Yeah, I was a lettered athlete, for whatever that's worth. Soccer, 4 years, the only thing I miss from high school was playing soccer. Anyway, I have never been big on jackets, so my wife got that too. Well, she wasn't my wife back then, but we was going steady. No, sock hops weren't popular when I was in school, I am not that old...
  
• comforter- my mom bought me and my brother each a comforter (something about us fighting for ownership of everything, who knows). Anywho, my comforter was indeed a nice comforter. Soft, warm, and big like me. It was enough to keep me warm regardless of temperature outside or inside. I had that comforter for years. One day, my wife was cold, so as a gentleman I said "Here you go my little honey sweetums". Next thing I know, I'm out one comforter... I guess "here you go" meant "it is now yours". I didn't get the memo prior to the exchange.
• computer- I bought a computer to play video games, plain and simple. It wasn't much, but I had made modifications prior to my son being born that made it pretty decent all things considered. When I first bought the computer (bought meaning making payments to Gateway back when they had stores), my newlywed wife wasn't happy, but who would be, newly married and I had gone and gotten us into debt without discussing with her. I have learned my lesson since then. I digress, as the point of this point is this- my computer is now my wife's in every way except her acknowledging it. Is this one reason why I have been looking at notebook computers? perhaps....
• iPod- I think this one hurt the most. It was obvious the level of sneakiness she had sunk to on this item. I had an iPod for a couple of years, and it was starting to lose it's effectiveness (battery issues). I would fuss because that's what I do when something I have gotten used to doing as it should starts crapping out on me. Well, she would borrow said device to go on her walks. Gone are the days of the Walkman device, now she has been exposed to high tech devices. So, she began talking me into considering the possibility of getting a new one. That's right, she was encouraging me to get a new one. Why, because she figured that when I got a new one I wouldn't miss the old one. Well, I did indeed get a new iPod. My old one has been taken over, by the iPod Snatcher...
• my car- this is the only battle I have successfully maintained a delaying action on. My wife has repeatedly tried to get me to give her my Honda Accord. Her Chrysler Sebring is two payments away from being ours, and she wants (or used to) my Honda. A man has to draw the line somewhere I guess. A victory? I take what I can get.
  

This list is far from complete, but it does provide a tiny insight into our relationship. How did I lose possession? It's simple I guess, a man's biological need to be seen as a good provider coupled with a woman's suggestion that certain items would make her happy. Every man has a list similar to mine. What did I get out of all the exchanges? A wink, a smile, a hip shimmy, and longer life span. Not a bad trade at all.

"Thanks", well sometimes it's just inappropriate

I know I am blogging outside of a promised topic per my last post (at which my wife will pretty much shoot in for a double leg take down, drop me to the ground, pass my guard, and start raining brain crushers on my sweet little pea head), but I need to vent on a pet peeve: email tags which include your personal info and either "Thanks", "Thank You", "Thank You So Much" or variations of said tags.

Why does this bother me? Well, sometimes information relayed via email doesn't always need to end with "Thanks" despite that you have all your replies set up to include "Thanks", and sometimes leaving "Thanks" in an email response is odd, rude, condescending, and it is always lazy. Will I give examples? Sure.

When auto "Thanks" in a reply doesn't work:

Odd

"well, I was late today because I got a phone call from my Dr's office last night, and it does appear that I caught genital warts from that bass guitarist from the band "Rottn Grotch" two weeks ago and I needed to get lasered up"

Thanks,
Ms Loose Morals

Rude

"so, I hope you don't mind, but when we did it like they do on the Discovery Channel without protection, I am almost positive I gave you genital warts. Good luck with that."

Thank You,
Rottn Grotch Bass Guitarist

Condescending

"Dear Ms Loose Morals,

Your test results are back, and you did indeed catch 'the genital warts' (how quaint) from that long haired high school dropout with a Star Search dream spawning ground of VD you "lost" all self control over. What is that, the fourth lapse of judgment this year alone? Please do me two favors: 1) Find another OB/GYN, your continuous returns to me for medicinal consultation due to poor sexual common sense has made it all but impossible to look at another "danger zone" without feeling like I need to suit up as if I am trying out for the Chernobyl clean up crew and; 2) Remove yourself from society until your brain has logged as much active use as your "Hello There" area. Frankly, that you haven't spawned the next epidemic that will wipe out 33% of the population is amazing and somewhat suspect. I guess you haven't really slept with every hot guy you meet. Thank you for your restraint (yeah right)."

Thank you (seriously, this is heart felt),
Dr. Heebie Geebies

Lazy

"hey, do you know how long it takes for penicillin to kick in?"

Thanks,
Ms Loose Morals


If I am in an email conversation with you, and every response from you has "Thanks" in the email even when I have not done anything to deserve receiving thanks for, you are increasing your worthlessness and proving my theory on your lack of intelligence with every Outlook chime.

To me, "Thanks" in every email is as bad as typing IN ALL CAPS, or typing in Ebonics/IM verbage. Y0 d1zzl3, Yu no that $hit is str8 whack.

If you are going to say thanks, at least be man/woman/adult enough to type it only when you mean it.

Thank you,
Innocuous Ramblings