On the road again...

Cheesy title, but extremely accurate. Part of my job requirement involves out of state travel, this year projected to be at least 5 times. I will be attending trade shows specific to my industry, and they take place in various locals throughout the US. This weekend I will be traveling north, and next week I will be traveling west. Counting flying time, 4+ days for each trip. hooray.

This is to officially inform all visitors I may be out of circulation for posting for up to two weeks. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I feel I owe it to all 7 (that's right, I have 3 new fans) of you to know what's up when I go dark from posting my rambles. It's not that I won't be near a computer for 8 out of 14 days, it's because I won't be home 8 out of 14 days. I would ask 6 of you to be extremely supportive of BHazy during this difficult time, as there will be a abnormally large toddler who will be more than extremely pissed at his father. He has not learned to take my extended absences well, and I feel that back to back weeks may be the proverbial straw. I mean, he has threatened to make my wife drive him to my work and physically remove me from the building. Some of you laugh, but he has been quite serious on each occasion he told my wife to warm up the car.

In the meantime, I will leave you with these little diddies:

• MOM, YOU DOING?!?!?!- this is yelled at my wife by my son. She doesn't tell him what she is doing or going to do, which violates his toddler principles. You know you are supposed to check in with the warden when you move about the cell block.
• "wash you cooties off"- I made the mistake of telling my son that my ritual of washing my hands immediately when I get home was that I was washing "work cooties" off of me. He understands, and encourages me to the point of turning on the bathroom light and yelling at me to "wash you cooties off".
• Fight me- he actually means "wrestle me", but why split hairs. Body slamming him on a queen size, pillow top mattress is the same as fighting, so that's what we do. Tickling, belly raspberries, holding him down so he can't move, all of it is considered fighting.
• DHazy- my name has evolved from "Daddy" to "DHazy". He now has a "DHazy belt". In the movie "Chicken Little", Chicken Little's dad's name is Buck. KHazy refers to him as "Chicken Little's Dhazy". Apparently, DHazy is a much cooler version of the word "Daddy".

I will be back. I may even have amusing stories. All I hope, is that my son won't snub me for too long. There may be a post requesting ideas as to how to bribe an irate toddler. You have two weeks, let your minds run wild.

Posting as Anonymous

Posting as "Anonymous" on some one's web log can have a few different intentions. One would be to leave a positive comment, a useful bit of advice, words of encouragement, basically anything that would bring a smile to some one's heart if not their face. Another use for "Anonymous" would be to spam a web log with a free porn link, a sweet deal on replica watches, access to the best pharmaceutical drugs, or the all important stock tip. The third use would be to leave childish, negative, and demeaning comments that the person doesn't have the intelligence or courage to sign an actual name to. Guess which one I am going to rage about?

My wife received a couple of comments on her blog in regards to her posts about her body transformation and how much weight she has lost, and a few comments she has made about specific men. Negative comments, accusing her of being conceited and making up stories that she was heavier at one time. I will ask my wife to post this entry on her blog to address those individuals. You think you didn't like what she has written, just brace yourself.

First and foremost, The United States of America is still considered a democracy. Leaders are chosen to represent each of our views in the Federal Government and pass laws as needed. Last time I checked, The First Amendment (Freedom of Speech) is still the primary law of the land. My wife has the right to post what she wishes as long as it doesn't not interfere with any other person's individual rights. Since they are her comments of her life, her experiences, and her opinions, all are covered by this law and not subject to censorship. Time for you to find a new hobby or actually make a measurable contribution to polite society.

Secondly, no one is forcing you to read any blog or any article or any advertisement on the Internet. Here's an easy solution for those of you that found issue with what my wife wrote- move on. Hit the back button on your web browser or the "next blog" button at the top of this page. If a gun is not to your head and if your family members are not our hostages, you really have no one to blame for your being personally offended but yourself. You do have the freedom to not read something you don't want to. We don't get paid for your visits, so we really won't miss you.

Posting a negative comment as "Anonymous" on any blog, forum, or website is the equivalent to crank calling- sure it's fun as a hormonally unstable teenager, but after you graduate high school modern society views you as an adult. Acting like it won't hurt you, and actually taking ownership of your views may actually earn you respect. If you have a well thought out, intelligent, and reasonable comment and you can articulate your opposing view, take the time to write it out and sign your name. If all you want to do is sling insults, there are more deserving people. Stop by the bathroom, fire a couple at the person in the mirror, and then give your parents a call and describe to them how poorly they raised you and their inexcusable inability to teach you manners.

Here are my direct responses to your comments:

• "you are quite arrogant. how do I know it's true if you won't post your before and after photos"? Well, short and sweet, our existence is not dependant upon your beliefs. if you don't believe her, who cares? time does not stop, the sun will still rise, and you are not due proof of anything or an explanation. If you yourself are overweight and feel that you cannot make the same achievement, what will photographic evidence do for you? Inspire you? Inspiration such as that can be found on a Slim Fast or Bow Flex commercial. Snuggle up with your favorite chocolates or your favorite chips and wait patiently. It's not like you were going to seek self improvement anyway.
• "like anyone else would care who you think is hot". Maybe this is true. But I would base my next theory on the sheer number of fan clubs that exist for male and female celebrities: Someone will care. Someone else will share that viewpoint. And having that viewpoint doesn't hurt anyone. If you yourself are not attracted to good looking people, or perhaps you are not "easy on the eyes" and feel anger (and probably shame) at being excluded from the ranks of pretty people, there are support groups. And medicine. And surgery. I will even go out on a limb here and suggest....(drum roll, this will be fun), maybe you could start exercising, eating right, you know- Transform yourself. Do a halfway decent job, maybe someone will describe you as hot on a blog. Isn't that want you really want anyway???

A funny thing about fashion

A funny thing about fashion- being totally clueless of it and giving no care to it is one of the sweetest and most relaxing forms of freedom there is. And, let's be honest, a good way to save money. For me, I was content to continue dressing for comfort and function- I realize now that I was somewhat dated in my clothing but I was blissfully ignorant of that. Emphasis on was. What changed? I had some guys from work perform a you-dress-funny intervention. It started out as picking and jokes on my denim shorts. I fought like a wildcat, but eventually I had to concede that "jorts" (jean shorts) were not the most flattering of ensemble. So, I make the fashion move towards khaki shorts. I must admit, they are more comfortable and a bit more normal looking (as if I usually care about maintaining appearances of being normal). Then I happen to come into possession of some Oakley button up shirts, which has opened up all kinds of possibilities in regards to dressing better on a daily basis. Baby steps, remember it is baby steps. Well, with the change of seasons to winter and being cold outside, it was not so gently explained (same guys as earlier) that shorts, regardless of material, just plain looks silly when worn and it's twenty-nine degrees outside. So I start to wear some blue jeans. But, you guessed it, they weren't the right kind of jeans. Were they Levi, a brand of jeans known worldwide- yes. Were the style 569, known to be a looser cut of fabric- yes. What was the issue? They tapered at the ankle. Apparently since they didn't expand towards the cuff/hem to cover most of the top of my shoes, it looked like I was rolling and tucking them at the bottom. Sooooooooooooooooooooo, I make yet another transition. I go to Old Navy, and I buy the style known as extra loose. These meet all necessary requirements for cuff expansion and shoe coverage. And that I got six pairs for less than $140, bonus goes to me. Thanks BHazy, you hung in there and found all the ones that were in my size (36 x 36 for those of you curious). So, I work the new jeans into rotation, sacrificing the others to the gods of eBay. Well, funny thing is this: Shirts I wear are money, Jeans I now sport are too. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, apparently now I need to switch to a different shoe. If I wear a dressier shirt, it has been explained (yes, same guys as earlier) that even if I wear jeans (even the new ones I just bought), I need to wear a dressier shoe than Nike Cross trainers. Killing me. Flat out, wearing me out. So, yesterday, I pack up BHazy and KHazy and head to the mall to get some new shoes. I get a pair of dress shoes by Skechers. Then my sweet loving wife who I adore mentions that my current pair of Nike's have seen better days, and since we are already at the mall.... yeah, I got a new pair of Nike's too. I was also in need of some new dress slacks for the trade shows I have to attend five times a year. Whilst there trying on new slacks and getting measured, the sales man must have smelled the chink in my fashion armor (or some of my "friends" called ahead and pegged me for a sucker) and showed me a sport coat that appears to have been made just for me. I mean, even I thought I looked good in it. Yeah you guessed it, I now own a sport coat. When will I wear it? No idea, but it's in the closet, just in case.

Needless to say, I was uncomfortable all day yesterday. At one point, told my wife and son I needed to go home and take a nap. Even considered grabbing a drink or three with my dinner, for medicinal purposes. I actually did go to bed at 9:30pm, I was just worn out from shopping. I don't see how people do it on a regular basis, they have to be genetically gifted for endurance like Lance Armstrong...

From a philosophical stance, I did not/ do not enjoy spending all the money I have spent on myself. Not my thing, and I know I should have hooked KHazy and BHazy up instead. Bhazy on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed herself, playing dress up with her 6'4" 245lb doll/husband. KHazy was neutral about the whole affair, although he did help me make some important fashion decisions. It is over and done with now, and undoing what has been done isn't possible. And even I must admit, the compliments on my new attire is nice. I just shudder to think, I may find myself shopping for clothes for myself more often. Oh, the horror....

Welcome Sir Conner Scott

My baby brother and his wife have had their first son as of February 12th, 2007 at 2:05am. The "little" fellow was 8 pound 4 ounces, 21 inches long, and had a spectacular head of hair. The little youngster seems to have a pretty mellow disposition, as his cousin (my son) kissed him square in the eye (complete with squeaking sound), and he didn't get fussy or even seem mildly inconvenienced. I think he just understands that he was doomed to get smooched on until he is big enough to defend himself. Psst, Conner (from this moment on to be referred to as CHazy for this blog), a little secret. Your cousin KHazy is a fairly stout boy, but he still gets smooched on. Hold onto that relaxed aura, it's all you can rely on to get through the "Oh what an adorable little baby" moments.

I have been given another reason to qualify as a slightly odd/disturbed uncle. How might I qualify that statement for you you ask? Well, within two minutes of holding him for the first time, the first words out of my mouth are "What a beautiful round head. Thank you C-section". I don't know why. Help me....

Chazy is of course a handsome devil of a boy, making him the youngest of the Triple Threat Hazys when teamed with his two cousins HHazy and KHazy. I am not known for my prognostication, but I think there is a generation of ladies doomed for swooning and heart melting when these three lads hit their strides. All the Hazy daddies have made them big, and all the Hazy mommies have made them cute. Add to that super-genius like brains and an excellent sense of humor, it's game over. I almost feel bad for the young girls who don't realize their hearts are already now the property of the Hazy family. Emphasis on almost.

For those of you with daughters and you want to eliminate a lot of stress and headaches and get them in the running for potential consideration, please feel free to send head shots and a brief bio of your daughter(s) to: IgiveupyouHazyBoysaretoofrickingcute@IwantGiantCuteAndSmartGrandBabies.com
age range to qualify is 2 days old to 35 years old- my son don't discriminate, he loves the ladies. Chrystynn, he misses you and your fries.
We are looking for feisty, sassy, down to earth and yet silly, must have excellent vocabulary (cussing not required but that potentially is funny), be creative, quiet but yet talkative (I haven't met one (1) woman that wasn't talkative...), and above all, they gotta enjoy getting picked on. After submission, be patient. We will have a lot to review, we'll be in touch.

My wife is a hottie

This isn't just a married man talking to protect his safe and loving home environment, she's really hot. I mean I have been telling her that for months, but now there exists proof in the form of a classically trained medical professional that has rendered his professional opinion. So in starts the tale.....

My wife had a doctor's appointment, routine stuff nothing major. Let's pick the conversation up after she is back home.

Me- "So how was the visit?"
BHazy- "I'm a hottie."
Me- "I know, I told you that before you went. How was the visit?"
BHazy- "The doctor couldn't get over how hot I am now."
Me- "So, what was the appointment about again?"
BHazy- "Just a routine visit, but he was really impressed with how much weight I have lost. He said I really looked good."
Me- "Sooooooooo, don't I say that all the time?"
BHazy- "Yes, but this was a doctor that said it."
Me- "Are you actually telling me you needed a second opinion?"
BHazy- ...laughter....
Me- "So, you're telling me that your hotness cannot be actually verified by a common man, a doctor is needed with their specialized equipment to actually determine your level of hotness?"
BHazy- ...laughter....
BHazy- "Apparently I'm so hot it can be medically verified with the naked eye."
Me- "You better not have been naked when he said you were hot. Why did we have to pay a co-pay again for you to get this confirmation of your looks?"
BHazy- ...laughter...."Oh, it was a routine visit."

Some of this is somewhat exaggerated, but I feel I have highlighted the major truths of my conversation with my wife.

Other items of interest that pertain to this post topic:

• Visited with one doctor, was told she looked good, and somehow managed to "bump into" (corner) a second doctor and get a second opinion to her second opinion (equaling a quadruple opinion).
• Quadruple opinions by medical professionals are the equivalent of a regular person giving the same opinion four times, except science is involved. Means more (I guess).
• My wife jogged the other day on one of her power walks and every guy she passed waved at her. I wonder why..... The scene for Adam Sandler's movie "Click" comes to mind.
• I am jealous of one of the spoons in the silverware drawer. But that's my problem, and has nothing to do with this post.

Don't cry for me Argentina, I will get through this butterfly-like transition my wife is going through just fine. Sure, she's a little arrogant, but confident women really are sexy. And hey, she's my hottie. Ain't nothing wrong with that....