Parents' Night Out

Well, we finally did it. My wife and I finally secured the services of a highly trained care giver (baby sitter) to watch our son while we went out to a party. Only took 28 months to make this leap of parental freedom. I'll be the first to admit, we are overly protective parents, so that's the main reason why my wife and I haven't done this before now. It's not that we don't trust people to take care of our son, but we just don't trust people to take care of our son... Seriously, our chosen care giver came highly recommended. With over 30 years of experience in the health care profession, as well as two tours of duty raising two adorable and yet rambunctious boys, her resume was impeccable. Thanks Mom aka GiGi, you did BHazy and me a solid. This night of freedom was made possible by my mom and Smirnoff Ice (BHazy needed to down a few to help facilitate the coping with separation anxieties...).

The night consisted with going to a co-workers house to watch the UFC Pay-per-View with the main card attraction being the rematch between Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz. I rooted for Tito, he however lost a heart breaker to Chuck in the third round. Chuck has heavy hands, one punch has stopped many a match. Tito made him work for his win, it was a good fight. Other matches include: Jardine beating Griffon, Leben losing to MacDonald, and Arlovski starting his return back to heavyweight supremacy with a win over Cruz.

My wife took full advantage of being around other adults, and instigated conversations with just about everyone. She kept mumbling something about "adult conversation, finally" and giggling maniacally, not sure what that was about. Tadpole207, pass along my personal thanks to JoJo, my wife enjoyed talking both her ears completely off, LOL!!! Additional beverages were also consumed. There was some pretty good wine floating around, which I managed to drink some without making any career jeopardizing remarks (pardon me whilst I pat my own back). I did have a few Sam Adam's Boston Lagers as well, that's a pretty good beer. Did you know you don't have to have a full on Omish/ ZZ Top beard like the guy in the commercial has to buy and drink that beer? It's true, valid driver's license and proof that you're over 21 is all it takes.

Overall, it was a great evening. My wife and I were able to leave our son in excellent hands, and we got to hang out with great people. I would like to extend the following thanks:

• Kelly and Bryce- thank you for inviting us into your home and making us feel welcome. My wife and I had a lovely time. Bryce, will you want salad at lunch first, or will you want to go right to the pizza?
• Tadpole and JoJo- thank you both for just being yourselves. Please pass along our enjoyment of Stephan's (I hope I spelled it correctly in accordance with his cool name) company, he's a good kid.
• Jordan- you're a MoMo, and I am not ashamed to admit I cried at the end of Man on Fire. If that makes me a (slang for woman's primary sex organ), then so be it. I ain't mad at you.
• Sandwick- nice beer trick, that you have a beer trick doesn't necessarily mean you drink too much.
• Fuzz- thanks for just being you, not sure I understand the circumstances that led to the creation of the Ish...
• Dan- I am sure your chili was delicious, and I apologize for not eating any. However, when at some one's home for the first time, I tend to avoid throwing "new fuel" into my diesel engine. I burp enough without compounding the problem.
• Bert- first time meeting you, you seem like a cool guy. Nice to make your acquaintance.
• Justin- better late than never.
• Josh- you too.
• Marc & April- sorry I didn't see you until time to close the party down.
• Mark and Delores- good seeing you guys.
• If I left anybody out, don't take offense. Scroll back up, you'll see I did attempt to kill some brain cells, apparently they were associated with short term memory.

My wife and I had a blast, and I think my mom enjoyed watching my son. It was all around a great evening.

I love Leap Frog

Just being up front and honest, and I know you the reader wanted to know that. For those of you without children, I am referring to the brand of educational toys called Leap Frog- http://www.leapfrog.com. They make the best toys for children, regardless of age. I love them to the point of wanting to buy stock in them. My son received a Phonics train (this thing is huge), and it just happens that my son love trains (kill two birds with one stone). He also received a Learning Leap "action figure" that can be personalized to talk to your child and refer to them by their name, mommy's and daddy's name, friend's or other relative's name, pet's name, etc. He also received an interactive DVD system with his very own DVD remote. All this stuff so he can continue to develop at his accelerated rate and eventually pull a Doogie Howser and graduate college at age 10. I'm not pushing for that, but I think it can happen. My son has awesome DNA, and it shows.

My only issue is this- why weren't these toys around in my youth. I'm only 34 years old, surely there were some smart toy developers 30+ years ago. I mean, I got to play with yard darts, but after that 6 inch spike goes through flesh and lodges in bone, the thrill for the game kinda dies... I had Transformers, but all it taught me was that if there was intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, it would be an intelligent robot and I may get stuck changing its oil depending on how their inter-species war went. About the only educational "toy" I had was an abacus, and that was fun for about 2 seconds, and then I used it in a back drop as part of my GI Joe (with Kung Fu grip) environment. I feel slighted, and I worry I am dumber for not having Leap Frog earlier in my life. My son already calls me "cazy Daddy", is he really saying "moron Daddy" but he loves me too much to really say that? Maybe I should not delve into that to much, the answer might f--- me up mentally, even more than I already am...

Day After Christmas

Well, it's the day after Christmas. Take an inventory of your surroundings, verify your current physical and emotional condition, make sure you aren't on any posters at the Post Office (think FBI's Most Wanted List), ANNNNNNNNDDDD we're good. Congrats, you have successfully survived yet another close proximity encounter with relatives. Not all relatives are bad, but the odds will always be against you that most are not your cup of tea. Funny that, considering they should share some of the same blood you carry around barring any outside influence like secondary, tertiary, quattuordrary, or quinquedary (I made those last two up, based on my mutating Latin roots for numbers....total nerdy) marriages and the influx of alien DNA. My feelings on that are best left for another day.

Hey, let's talk about happiness around the holidays. Happiness is a child seeing Christmas decorations and yelling "Well look at that". Happiness is you saying Merry Christmas and your child yelling "Happy Halloween". Happiness is knowing the existence of a Blue Mater (from the movie "Cars", Tow Mater is blue for like 30 seconds, but my child had to have one) and by hook, crook, or Grangela your son gets his hands on one.

Happiness is your child's delirious excitement at receiving Thomas the Train tracks and train characters, even ones he already owns. Happiness is seeing your wife happy as she watches your son being happy. Happiness is seeing all the people you care about, even if it's just for 15 minutes. Let's not forget, happiness is this guy after his belly gets full on Mom's cooking.

Time for a quick shout out to Mom's table- turkey, dressing, biscuits, broccoli casserole, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes (I made these, they sucked, I did not represent well), and the Piece de Resistance- marinated pork loin. It will make you run up to (insert local bbq restaurant name here)'s main cook and head butt that slacker in the jaw. And for dessert, a Chocolate Mousse Cake (sorry Tadpole207, I had some at the house, but I ate it). Awesome to consume is an understatement, it was good enough to give a crackhead a new addiction. Who made it? Shannon Hayes, my sister-in-law, and she has made a career out of making my tummy and other peoples' tummies happy. Just go to http://www.sugarplumcakes.com/ and take a virtual tour of all the goodies. If you'll excuse me, there's a piece of cake in the fridge calling my name.

For those of you that read yesterday's post, I can assure you that my nearly omnipotent prediction of my wife's shock and embarrassment was spot on accurate. Good to know that after 17 years of togetherness, I still have new levels of unexplored craziness (cazyness if you speak Kiril-nese). Oh, and if you didn't know, I am Cazy, I am a Cazy Daddy.

Point blank asked by Bhazy, "Well mister, how do you plan to top that post". Not sure that I want to, I don't like working under pressure. But for the studious readers out there, the timing could not have been better, what with today being the 17 year anniversary for that momentous event. Perception altering? Why yes, yes it was....

So, what will I write about? Let's talk about ownership, possessiveness, out right claiming as property. Let's talk about my son's referring to me as "his daddy" and just how serious he is.

My son speaks about me as if I am "bought and paid for", "locked in on contract", "serving life without parole" his daddy. And means it. "My daddy come back my house". See what he did there? Suntrust still expects my payment every month, but who am I to argue. Here are a few better examples:

• My shirts- I just recently came into possession of some rather stylish Oakley button up shirts. The kind that aren't my typical wash and wear, you need to baby them a bit. Which my wife was gonna do. Wash them via delicate cycle, and then air dry them on a laundry rack. Obviously didn't discuss this with my son, and didn't ask permission. Daddy's shirts go in the washer, and then into the dryer. My son has seen it done a hundred times in two years. These Oakley shirts go into the washer, and then head towards the rack. My son freaks, "My Daddy shirts go in dryer!!!" Yells this at my wife his mother for several minutes. My wife doesn't listen. I think this kicked things up a notch for my son, as I have heard it told he was close to administering discipline, toddler style. He was actually going to spank his mother for not putting his daddy's shirts in the dryer. Am I the only one intensely amused by this?
• Eggs- as part of my daily diet, I eat 10 egg whites and 2 yolks with half a cup of oatmeal as 1 meal. I come home from work, and I am told by my son that "Mommy make your eggs, mommy make your eggs". As if he is in charge of the egg cooking, and he is updating me on how he has delegated responsibility and the work load. I am certain the conversations always start as "mommy make eggs?", which my wife replies "yes" which begs the question "mommy make eggs for my daddy?" which the reply is again "yes". This point is covered from several different angles to ensure that mommy isn't playing a trick on my son or me, very similar to how interrogations were conducted during the "Spanish Inquisition".
• Cookies- yes, I am a fan of that pastry. My son knows this. He makes cookies two ways: just to make cookies or he is making cookies for his daddy. The importance of both are pretty relevant (cookies are delicious), but the "My Daddy" cookies are cooked and then protected until he can supervise my eating them. Supervise as in I hold him on my lap with one hand, I eat a cookie with the other, and another cookie is force fed to me by my son. As anyone should know, you eat cookies in twos (you have two hands, simple process of applying math to everyday life). Since one hand is occupied holding a giant, insanely intelligent toddler, I am in need of assistance. Who better to assist me than said giant, insanely intelligent toddler.

I live a juxtapositional life with my son (definition of juxtapositional provided by Nick). I am certain I was put here to protect my son, and I find instances where he is protecting me. I think I am supposed to teach him about life, and I find I have been and continue to be taught. I like knowing I have a two year old body and soul guard.

Being from North Carolina, I am a huge Carolina Panther fan. Yesterday (12/17/06) was painful to watch. A average team came in and beat us like we stole something from them. And I was at the stadium, to watch all the dismal play in person. Talk about the worst 3 quarters and 5 minutes of the 4th Quarter of my life (not really the worst, but that was how I wanted to tell you I left the game early).

It was my first time at the Bank of America formerly Erickson Stadium (thank goodness for corporate sponsorship). Being my first time, I thought the Panthers would have made it special for me. Like my wife did, December 19th, 1989. Thank you BHazy, I'll never think of after school programs without grinning.

Some of you that read this, know that my wife is as embarassed to read this as you are.

What's new in my life? What have I been up to? Well, funny you should ask. I just recently come off of a cycle (stopped taking) a product called Halodrol (the good version, the first version that the FDA had objections too). It is essentially a product that encourages a body to absorb vital nutrients and swing the hormonal axis over to the "let's get muscular" setting.

Here are a few things I learned about myself and life in general now that the smoke has cleared.

1. rapid weight gain sucks, regardless of whether you are a pregnant woman, someone with an eating disorder, or you are in a bulking phase for the winter. I have packed on 27 pounds in 30 days, and my back, knees, ankles, belt, and lungs have felt them all. It is not as funny as it sounds to almost black out from bending over to tie your shoes. I was a lot more comfortable at 235, and I am actively trying to get back there.
2. attitude is 9 parts satisfaction/satiety, and 1 part upbringing. If your happy or satisfied, you have a pleasant attitude. Upbringing only plays a part in determining what makes you happy. All that philosophical horse crap essentially means that if you are going to use a bulking product, you have to eat like you are bulking up. I have tried Halodrol twice, once via limited/restricted calories, and once where I ate to spare muscle tissue and pack on weight to achieve the proper anabolic environment. I was a lot more pleasant to be around when I was eating with a purpose and not starving myself.
3. I am addicted to brownies. Brownies have nothing to do with putting on muscle, but when you take things that affect your metabolism in such a way that you can get away with eating an entire pan of brownies by yourself, you find yourself coming up with reasons why eating an entire pan of brownies is a good idea. I mean, beyond the knowledge that brownies are extremely tasty.
4. Carbs are delicious. This ties into Number 3, but means so much more. M&Ms are tasty, and like I have stated in an earlier post, I think they are the perfect candy. Baked Cheetos, quite the delectable food pairing with any sandwich, and can be enjoyed all by themselves. Pizza, well pizza is perfect by its very nature. I won't lie I am still petitioning to make this the food item shown when the food pyramid is mentioned (bread/grains, dairy, vegetables, and meat = perfect food). Ice cream does help you go to sleep when you are all keyed up and jittery on M&Ms. Yes, I have done it.
5. I am addicted to food (might have gathered that by now). I think I need to join a support group or join an organization that ends in "anonymous". I have two brothers that went to school for culinary arts or restaurant management. When asked why I didn't walk the same path, I always reply "Because I would eat myself to death". And dying with chocolate cake and nachos on your face really isn't funny.
6. Halodrol is motivating. Nothing will get you in the gym faster than something that will assuredly generate benefits if only you show up. Dangerous part is knowing AND understanding that you can still make gains when you aren't taking a chemical aid. You gotta whoop that mental monkey's a$$ when it gets on your back...
7. Age will determine goals. As I get older, I find myself looking towards lean and functional muscle, and not the stuff of early years Terminator-now-California-Governor-type mass. Since I will never be that big or muscular, why train like I can be. That being said, a man gets to feeling froggy and thinking yesteryear is within his grasp. And then he heads to the shoe box/medicine cabinet/top dresser drawer for the chemical help. 20 pounds later, you ask yourself "What the frig was I thinking...?", and "Did I just black out from getting off the toilet?".
8. Children don't care about big. They don't, or at least my son doesn't. I am still daddy, and he ignores me when it suits him and listens when it suits him. Brings me to my main point for this number; Who was I trying to impress? The few people it would matter to if I added a solid 5-10 of muscle would still love me if I never walked down that road. Nothing about me changed in Kiril's eyes other than it took me longer to do everything, and his time frame doesn't allow for "slow and ponderous". So next time, I need to train for speed if I take Halodrol again, because big is low on generating cool points at my house.
9. No real statement here, just felt like ending on 9. It's a numerology thing, you wouldn't understand (is that Weird Al's "White & Nerdy" playing in the background?).

Halodrol, the good stuff, is good. It works. But like any tool, you have to pick the desired outcome to decide if it's the right tool. And it helps to really know what desired outcome you want. I thought I wanted 'hulky" or "he kinda looks like a football player", but I think I really prefer "deceptively in shape". And this tummy does not say "deceptively in shape". It says "I am addicted to brownies..."